The Bite Before Christmas

This is my delayed Christmas romance novel post. There are a multitude of reasons for this delay, not least of which that this was one of the most irritating, stupid books I have ever read. And I say that having read Slave.

The Bite Before Christmas, written by Heidi Betts, has been on my Kindle for over a year, though I was putting off reading it until, you know, Christmas. It's a collection of three vampire Christmas short stories, and it's exactly as stupid as the title (and the cover, which was actually a huge selling point for me, and not in a good way) make it seem. The author is under the impression that she is incredibly witty (she's not) and that her "sassy" characters are actually likable (no on that count as well). Her vampire lore, which she vehemently insists is better than Twilight's (okay, it is, but what kind of comparison is that?), leads to contrived situations, mostly as far as characterization goes. But more on that as we analyze each story individually.

The first short story is called "All I Vant for Christmas Is You". See what I mean when I say she's trying to be clever? Seriously. Anyway, it's the story of Connor Drake, the mature vampire with two obnoxious teenage vampire siblings who just wants to have a normal human Christmas. You know, like all three-hundred-year-old vampires do. His siblings, Liam and Maeve (they must be Irish, as indicated by their incredibly Irish last name... Drake), meanwhile, just want to enjoy their eternal youth by getting piercings, dyeing their hair, and wearing goth clothes with funny slogans like "Real Vampires Don't Sparkle". The author explains that vampires are mentally stuck at the age they were when they turned, so Connor is perpetually in his mid-thirties and Liam and Maeve are forever teenagers. Well, that sucks (lol see what I did there?).

Anyway, the story starts out on Thanksgiving, which Connor wants to celebrate traditionally because that is what 200-year-old vampires want more than anything. But Liam and Maeve hate all that touchy-feely humany-wumany stuff and therefore refuse to cooperate with Connor's plan. It's a total disaster. So when it comes time to plan for Christmas, Connor goes to Angelina, the vampire matchmaker who is also his friend, for help, and she finds him Jillian, a human (le gasp) event planner. She's a miracle worker, Angelina promises. And more than that, she's hot with a capital H and two t's (author's words, not mine). Connor immediately wants to tap that and tells Jillian she'll be working and living at his house from the beginning of December until after the Christmas extravaganza. She's a little nervous, but agrees, and soon there's flying sexual tension, which both sides are trying to hide since it's not reciprocated. Jillian, in addition to preparing the perfect traditional Christmas, manages to get Liam and Maeve in on the whole Christmas thing. Connor thinks this is absolutely fantastic, and then there's some flirting, and then some sex, and then Connor invites Jillian to move in full time and even lets her bring her cat. It's your typical whirlwind romance, but we'll let that slide because it's a short story.

The ridiculousness of this story is mostly the premise: we have three 200-year-old vampires, two of whom are living like college freshmen (partying every single night and dressing like goths) and the third of whom wants to be a normal human. I can't help but think that if I'd been a vampire for that long, I'd rather disregard human customs and, I don't know, do vampire things. Not that I have any idea what those are, but the point remains. I just don't get the vampire psyche in this book.

The second story, "A Vampire in Her Stocking", is about Vivian, an undercover vampire working at a news station at night. She has a huge crush on Sean, her boss, though of course it's completely unrequited, because this is a romance novel and that's how romance novels work. It's the end of the work night and Vivian and Sean are the only two people left in the office when Sean tells her he won't be coming back after the holidays. At first, Vivian is confused, thinking he's going to another network, until he tells her that he has an inoperable brain tumor and wants to die in peace. Vivian is understandably upset, so she decides it's time for Sean to know how she feels about him. She kisses him, which leads to office sex, and it's exactly as good as she imagined it would be. Later, still distraught, Vivian confides in her good friend Angelina (yes, Angelina the matchmaker), who suggests that she save Sean's life by turning him. Vivian is opposed to the idea: Sean hates vampires and wouldn't appreciate being turned into one, even if he knew it was coming. So Angelina does the one thing a good vampire friend would: she turns Sean without his permission, ties a bow around him, and leaves him on Vivian's couch.

Sean is, of course, confused and disoriented when he wakes up. He refuses to believe Vivian when she explains what happened to him, at least until he opens the blinds and burns his hands. Then his raging vampire libido takes over and he and Vivian have crazed vampire sex. The next morning, he leaves, telling her he needs to figure some stuff out. Vivian assumes it's because he hates being a vampire, hates her for being a vampire, and blames her for turning him into one. So she gives him his space and mourns him quietly for the next couple of weeks.

Sean, meanwhile, is exploring his newfound vampirism. His first order of business is to determine if the fireworks he felt with Vivian are a side effect of being a vampire or if they're unique to her. So he trolls some vampire clubs, kisses a few vampiresses, and determines that no, only he and Vivian make that kind of magic.

Angelina takes Vivian to Connor and Jillian's Christmas party, where she and Sean reunite, he confesses his love, and they live happily ever after.

The third story, "It's a Wonderful Bite", picks up right after the last one ends. This story's protagonist is none other than Angelina, the problem-creator of the two previous stories. Angelina is admiring her handiwork at Connor and Jillian's party. We learn that since the beginning of December, Liam has gotten a job at one of Connor's restaurants and is set for a promotion, and Maeve has moved into her own apartment. Wow, that's a lot of realistic changes in a few short weeks.

Angelina is quite happy on her own. She's been dating Ian for several decades, but he won't give her what she really wants: marriage. Again, why a vampire who's been around for multiple centuries would set such stock on human customs is again beyond me. But whatever.

Angelina and Ian have this cute little habit of having sex while watching It's a Wonderful Life. They say the lines along with the movie, too. It's probably cute unless you're a huge Jimmy Stewart fan, in which case it's eye-rollingly, nauseatingly obnoxious. Alas, I happen to be a huge Jimmy Stewart fan. Sorry, Heidi.

As they drift off to peaceful slumber, Angelina wonders what their life would be like if neither of them had been turned into vampires. Well, since Ian's older than Angelina by at least a century, they never would have met. But disregarding that, as it turns out they're both dirt-poor cops.

Angelina wakes up in a dirty motel room with Ian. He tells her they have to go, and she puts on her gross, ugly, poor-person clothes. FYI, she spends the entire time in this alternate universe bitching about how much she misses being a rich and fabulous vampire. She's such a sympathetic character!

Angelina soon discerns that she and Ian are cops investigating what he thinks is a meth lab. He's married with children, she's single and the other woman. Classy. He insists he would have married her straight out of high school, but she refused and went to college instead. He knocked up another woman and did the right thing and married her. Now he can't leave her because of the kids, so he's still doing the right thing and cheating on her rather than getting a divorce.

Imagine Angelina's surprise when the meth lab turns out to be a vampire nest! As humans, they don't stand a chance. Angelina talks Ian out of a standoff, and they go back to her apartment for sexytimes, during the course of which Angelina refers to Ian as "the perfect man (read: every woman's wet dream)" and admires his tattoos. Really? Is the perfect man every woman's wet dream? I'm pretty sure every woman's wet dream is the type she has sex with, but not the type she wants a committed relationship with. You don't wet dream about settling down...unless you have a fetish. Heidi, your cleverness fails you again!

Also, the tattoos. Ian has two, one of which I don't remember and the other of which is an angel with Angelina's face. Get it? Because Angelina = angel. He refers to the tattoos as his "body armor" and tells Angelina she always picks them out for him...so the angel Angelina was her idea. Again, classy. She decides he should get a third tattoo, of her lips right over his heart. And his wife still has no idea he's cheating on her with his partner! Either she's an idiot, or the author didn't feel like doing much character development with her. Take a guess which one. I mean, I know it's a short story, but really?

Anyway, while Angelina is sleeping off the afterglow, Ian sneaks back to the "meth lab" to bust those assholes. Angelina only finds out when his wife calls to ask if he's with her, which is her only purpose in this story besides being a needless complication, and Angelina immediately panics. Off she goes to rescue her lover!

Angelina breaks in and, when she's caught, makes up an excuse about finding her mother's cat, Fluffy. Which the vampires fall for, because it's a completely legit excuse and normal adults have cats named Fluffy. Either way, she lets herself get lured down into the basement, where there are three more vampires and Ian, tied to a chair. Angelina manages to break his chair, take a leg in each hand, and stake two of the vampires. The other two are a bit more difficult, since they're not taken by surprise, but Angelina does manage to stake both of them, though not before one of them sinks his teeth into Ian's jugular. Angelina is unable to save him and instead weeps over his body while, again, quoting It's a Wonderful Life in order to wake up.

It totally works! Suddenly Angelina is back in her rich vampire bed, curled next to Ian who is very much alive and also a vampire. Relieved, she initiates some nice sex, and at the end is shocked when Ian pulls out a small box and proposes. OMG, it's her dream come true! A happy ending for the third couple.

Thing is, Angelina said at the beginning of her story that Ian wasn't interested in getting married. So, aside from plot convenience, why did he change his mind? I imagine her wearing him down with passive-aggressive hints until finally he decided it was better to give in to her stupid human custom than to lose her forever (though I can't imagine why, since she's about the most annoying woman of all time). And again, why put so much emphasis on marriage anyway? Again, they're vampires. They should be above human customs, at least in my opinion. But whatever.

Can we talk about a few aesthetic things in novels? Yes, let's. For one, the chapter titles. The first short story called chapters "bites", as in "Bite One", "Bite Two", etc. The third one called the chapters "sips", and the second had chapters named after blood types, "Type A", "Type B", "Type O", etc. It was the most annoying tying of all time, because I could tell the author thought she was really clever and hilarious, as with the short stories and yes, even the title of the book. Just...ugh.

The author was also fond of making pop culture references. A few of these are okay (though admittedly weird in an alternate universe), but she went over the top. Constant references to Twilight and Buffy the Vampire Slayer just seemed weird and out of place in a vampire novel. I don't know, it grated on me.

Not to mention the incredibly irritating characters, particularly Angelina, the complete lack of realism (yes, I know it's a vampire romance novel, but there still needs to be some iota of realism.), and the somewhat conflicting vampire lore (why didn't Ian know about vampires in the alternate universe, if vampires were already "out"?) really got to me and made this a terrible, awful book.

I leave you with the cover, for your consideration:

REALLY?