The premise of Call Me is the typical "two people who are best friends fall in love" with the added "and have copious sexytimes". Dylan and Kayla are neighbors who are also best friends. Dylan, we learn, is a total neat freak and workaholic, whereas Kayla is...a totally unlikable weirdo. She's apparently a total genius with electronics, but the only proof of that we have is the stated fact that she wired all of Dylan's electronics together once. Oh, and she built a sex toy. More on that later. Anyway, she's also completely colorblind and otherwise unstylish: we often see her in orange sweatpants with a green sweatshirt. Charming. And totally sexy. I mean, I understand what the author was going for: unstylish people can still be sexy, or whatever, but it gets a little unbelievable that she is literally THE HOTTEST THING Dylan has ever come across, even in her complete unsexyness.
So. Kayla comes up with this awesome idea for a sex toy, an anal vibrator for men called the Walnut Wand. Oh, you thought this romance novel couldn't get classier? No worries, it does. She asks Dylan to try it out for her, but he is vehemently NOT GAY and therefore refuses. So Kayla does what any logical thinking woman would do: she places a bet on their monthly poker game. If she wins, Dylan has a gay experience with a vibrator. If he wins, she does whatever he wants. No way this could go wrong, right?
Well, it does. Obviously. Kayla loses, and Dylan decides it's time to make his move. He orders her to go upstairs and call him for phone sex. Um, okay. So up she goes to her apartment, and they start having phone sex. But then it gets to be too much for poor Dylan, and he runs upstairs and they start having sex like bunnies.
Kayla is the best at sex. I don't think they actually describe any of the actual sex, just that it was awesome and they played with sex toys and had lots of kinky sex. This will continue throughout the rest of the novel, don't worry. Kayla and Dylan have sex constantly. When they're not together, they're having phone sex. Seriously. It's not even sexy. It's kind of gross. There's a moment where Dylan's coworker tells him his office smells like a teenager's bedroom. Charming.
Anyway. Plot. Dylan is out as a test subject for the Walnut Wand (so named because it's a wand, and it's designed to stimulate the prostate, which is roughly the size of a walnut. Oh, Kayla. You so clever.), so Kayla has to find new ones. Luckily, her best friend works at a sex shop! Remember how classy these people are? She's only doing it to put herself through college, and she's a cashier, not a performer, but still. A sex shop was the only place she could find a job? Really?
Kayla's friend has the perfect solution to her problem: college students! They're poor, they're sex-starved, they're willing to be in studies...BEST SOLUTION EVER! So, against Dylan's will (he doesn't want random men coming to her apartment, that is NOT SAFE. And Dylan, being super-romantic, is incredibly overprotective of Kayla. Even though given her wardrobe, he doesn't have much to worry about.), Kayla agrees to hire some college students to try out her anal vibrator. When Dylan finds out they're at her apartment for preliminary interviews, he freaks the fuck out and charges in to stop them, to Kayla's embarrassment and anger. Really, Dylan, if you would just use the frakking vibrator you wouldn't have these problems. Seriously.
Kayla and Dylan, surprisingly, have a fight about this. She's mad because he's being unsupportive. He's mad because no, he's not, he's just taking care of her (SPOILERS: Kayla is right). Then it happens: they break up.
Dylan spends the next several weeks moping. His coworker notices. His bitchy secretary notices. His coworker's secretary/love interest even notices. She, however, is the only one to do anything about it. Well, not intentionally. She's taking her daughter (she's a single mom, so conflict with Dylan's coworker in the future!) to the park when she notices a despondent Kayla sitting on a bench. Even though they've never really met before, she sits down to ask what's wrong. Tragedy of tragedies! No one wants to invest in Kayla's product! Because, you know, no one wants to invest in sex toys. They're gross. And not at all lucrative. I mean, come on.
Secretary (whose name I have completely forgotten) reports to Dylan, and he realizes he's made a horrible mistake. So, despite the fact that there has been NO RESOLUTION WHATSOEVER, he decides to invest his life savings in Kayla's Walnut Wand and apologize to her. Kayla, being the weak heroine she is, totally falls for all this and believes Dylan has really changed. He even proposes to her! Now he'll truly be the supportive man Kayla's always wanted him to be!
Except no, not really at all. When it comes time to decide where they're going to live, Kayla wants to stay in her apartment, where all her stuff for inventing is set up the way she likes it. Dylan wants to stay in his apartment, because it's more nicely decorated. They decide to play poker for it. Since Kayla is a woman, she loses, and they end up living in Dylan's apartment and planning their wedding.
The epilogue, of course, has nothing to do with the rest of the novel. Instead of showing them living happily ever after, it sets up the sequel, with Dylan's coworker and his hot secretary. So that was a disappointment.
The moral of this romance novel? If you're a girl and you dress like this:
Or a workaholic asshole, you, too, can find happiness! At least for a short period of time, before your general assholery drives away your fashion-challenged true love.
Oh, Walnut Wand.
ReplyDeleteI'm super intrigued by the sequel. You must read it.