Today's installment of Ridiculous Romance Novels is called
Long Hard Ride by Lorelei James (which is probably her real name). As implied in the title, it's a cowboy romance. There are several things to comment on just from this bit of knowledge. I know I don't live out west, and I've never really been there, but are cowboys still a thing? I mean, I know there are rodeos, but are there really huge numbers of people that travel from city to city to participate in or watch them (much like NASCAR)? Also, what is it about cowboys that's considered so appealing to the modern woman? Is it the isolated lifestyle they're purported to live? The danger inherent in their profession? The implication that riding horses and bulls and what have you makes them really, really good at riding women? Questions to consider when you're having trouble sleeping or pulling an all-nighter for no good reason.
So this romance novel starts out with our heroine, Channing Kinkaide, participating in a wet T-shirt contest at a bar. I know, charming, right? You definitely want to get to know this girl. She wins, too, a huge trophy that she gets to take home with her. Are all the characters in this novel so classy, you ask? Why yes, yes they are.
So Channing gets beer sprayed on her chest, shows off her perky, G-cup boobs, and wins a trophy. Meanwhile, because this is from her POV, we learn that she's dating a guy named Jared. Jared is possessive and mean. We should not like Jared. We also learn that Channing is not a native wild, wild westerner. She hails from Boston, where her family are old money. She attended an unspecified Ivy League school and got her Master's (presumably also at the Ivy League level). However, during all those years of education, she neglected to take a single women's studies class, as will become increasingly evident throughout the course of the novel. Being a "spunky" heroine, Channing hated that lifestyle and came out to the country for one last summer of fun before returning home to a cushy private school teaching job her parents got her (how DARE they).
Next, through Channing, we are introduced to our hero, Colby McKay. This is confusing for two reasons:
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| Channing Tatum |
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| Colbie Caillat |
This threw me off multiple times.
Colby is a cowboy, the hottest cowboy EVER, and he rides around with two almost-as-hot-but-not-quite-his-equal cowboy buddies.Channing has heard of them. They do kinky things with women. All the time. (I would like to add that Colby's brothers are named Carter and Cord and his sister's name is Keely, and yet no one took his parents aside and said, "Hey, you guys, all your kids' names sound like soap opera characters." Worst. Cowboy friends. Ever.) Colby likes Channing. He takes her out to the dance floor and basically sexually assaults her. Then Jared appears. He is an asshole. And also Australian. Because the one thing Australians love to do is come to the United States and live the cowboy lifestyle. Suddenly, a random Native American appears! He will continually pop up throughout the novel, so remember him. His name is Cash. Cash returns Channing's wet T-shirt trophy and Jared's phone before informing Jared that his wife called.
His what now?!?! Channing thinks. Well, that relationship's over. Channing cements this by bashing poor Jared over the head with her trophy. And why not?
Pobre Channing now has no money and nowhere to go. Luckily, sexy cowboys! Colby offers her a deal: come with him and his gang of traveling hotties for the next week. In return, all she has to do is have sex (all sorts) with all three of them. Naturally, being the liberal-minded, feminist icon that she is, Channing agrees to this arrangement.
Next follows some weird-ass interaction, weird partly because romance novel sex is always weird and partly because it's with a minimum of two guys at the same time. To prove that she is worthy of their undivided sexual attention, Channing must simultaneously blow Colby and jerk off Trevor, the only character in this novel with a normal name. Again, she's such a feminist icon! Later, they play the sexy version of pool 20 Questions. Have you ever played 20 Questions in a pool? Basically what you do is sit in the questionee's arms and ask them questions, but instead of a yes/no answer, you either remain upright or get dunked. We used to play that quite often when I was a kid. The sexy version involves much less swimming. Channing is tied to a motel room bed (all of the sex in this novel is motel sex. Which is gross for multiple reasons) and blindfolded while one guy pleasures her. Then she has to guess which one it is. If she's wrong, she gets spanked. It's a huge pleasure party that is not at all demeaning.
After Sexy 20 Questions, Trevor goes out to the trailer to check on the loser third cowboy, a Brazilian named Edgard. You know, that traditional Brazilian name. We don't see a lot of Edgard, but he seems slightly hostile toward Channing. What could possibly be wrong with him? Has he seen her boobs? Anyway, Trevor is gone all night. What on earth could that indicate? (SPOILERS: Trevor and Edgard are gay lovers. It comes as a huge shock to Channing and presumably to the reader later on. Except, I mean, come ON.)
Then there's a lot of driving, a lot of rodeo, and a lot more sexy times. Channing makes some new friends, including an older woman named Gemma, a woman whose name I forget but it might be Maggie, and Maggie's daughter who has some cutesy name like Daisy. Maggie and Daisy are not particularly important.
Then one day, at the rodeo, Colby falls off a bull! He is horribly injured and his hand swells up. You know what that means....Channing gets to play nurse! Apparently basic first aid was a skill she picked up at her Ivy League school (along with top-notch blowjobs, apparently), so she ices Colby down and confines him to a bunk in the trailer. Later, they have hot, sore trailer sex, and Channing does it with two men at the same time for the first time in her life! It's almost as exciting as the first time she tried anal!
Then Colby decides to get possessive. He tells Channing she's only supposed to have sex with HIM now. Then they have extremely violent sex, because both of them are so in love with each other, but somehow they both misinterpret it because the next day they're fighting. Don't question.
Meanwhile, Channing catches Edgard and Trevor having hot gay sex. Rather than be embarrassed and give them some privacy, she decides she's going to sit in the corner and watch (Voyeurism: also an Ivy League skill? Perhaps it's for the best I got rejected by Brown...). Then she and Edgard have a deep conversation in which he confides that he's going back to Brazil forever and if Trevor wants him, he'll have to come after him. But he hasn't TOLD Trevor this, of course. Who needs communication for a functional relationship? This is a romance novel! All communication is performed through sex!
Colby decides he's going to compete in the rodeo despite his horrible injuries. This is a BAD IDEA. But he does it anyway. And then his legs get crushed and he has to be rushed to the hospital. He survives, but he'll never rodeo again. Oh no! But no worries, now Channing will never have to worry about him getting injured doing dangerous things again! However, she does realize she can't be hanging around all the time waiting for Colby to recover, so while he's unconscious she tells him she loves him and leaves. How selfless of her!
Flash forward one week. Trevor is sad that Edgard left. He doesn't do anything about it. This plot point remains unresolved.
Flash forward 8 more weeks. Colby is on his front deck, mad that he can't move around or anything. And also, where did Channing go? She just up and disappeared! Suddenly, a phone call! It's Gemma, our friendly older cowgirl. Gemma says hi, and then in a fit of subtlety, has a side conversation with Channing, who's living on her ranch, learning to be a good farm girl so she can be an appropriate wife for Colby. Colby goes crazy, drives two hours away, and proposes to Channing. She says yes, of course! They've known each other for a whole 10 weeks, 9 of which were spent apart. This relationship is sure to work!
I had several problems with this novel. There were your typical everyone is chauvinist, all problems are solved with hot, hot sex, not every man in the world is absolutely gorgeous, antifeminist problems, but I also felt that certain areas could be improved rather simply. For example, I thought it would have been much more romantic if Channing had gone back to Boston and started her teaching job and Colby had to come after her. You know, see the guy putting some work into this relationship and possible changing a bit for his girlfriend. Like a real relationship. Instead, Channing simply has to adapt to Colby's lifestyle. Not cool, romance novel author. Not. Cool. Also, there was absolutely NO closure on the Trevor/Edgard storyline. It just kind of ended. I probably would have been okay with this if the 3-page previews in the back had given any indication that their story was expanded upon in a sequel, but no such luck. So Edgard waits endlessly in Brazil for Trevor, who isn't coming, and Trevor is forever alone (and forever pretending to be straight.). I was also a little irritated by the constant presence of Cash, the random Native American, who shows up EVERYWHERE and yet manages not to be an important character. If he wasn't the love interest in one of the sequels advertised at the end (between him and Gemma...sexy, hot, interracial, older couple love...OH YEAH), he wouldn't have been in this book at all. Which is probably why his character felt so pointless.
As with many romance novels I have read, this was a shoddy piece of work, relying mostly on the publicity of its genre (cowboy) and its kinkiness (threesomes, foursomes, gay sex) to sell. Its characters were unlikable, unrelatable, and all-around annoying (okay, by "characters" I mean "Channing"). The thing that frustrated me most, however, was that it could have been a halfway decent book if the author had made a few relatively minor changes. But that, dear friends, is where I sense I shall be often disappointed in days to come.
