What is one thing that romance novel readers love more than smut? That's right, Regency-era smut. Why? Probably because of the whole forbidden atmosphere of it, not to mention the Mr. Darcy-ism of the various romantic interests. Someday I would like to write an entire post on historical romance novels and why the periods in which they are generally written are so popular, but it is not this day. Today, I am here with a sole purpose: a somewhat mocking review of In the Garden of Temptation by Cynthia Wicklund.
In the Garden of Temptation starts out with Catherine, the meek heroine, being emotionally/psychologically abused by her husband. He is a complete douchebag. We know this, because the author tells us so. Poor Catherine lives a hard life: her husband is a complete miser, so all their wealth is locked away, she lives in a castle all by herself, her husband dresses her like a whore, and every once and a while she has to entertain his seedy friends for him. Which, by the way, is the topic of tonight's dinner conversation! Edgar (the husband) is inviting some earl to come look at his miraculous horses! Catherine's job is to entertain him. Catherine is not pleased. Edgar is maliciously pleased by her displeasure. This is a healthy relationship.
Next we meet love interest Adam. Adam is the only son of a socialite mother (if you can call someone who throws fabulous parties once a year a socialite). He is young, unmarried, but totally into sexing up the ladies, because that is how men in romance novels, particularly of the historical variety, are. Tonight is his mother's usual one party of the year, and there's a horrible uninvited guest! It's none other than Edgar, poor Catherine's douchebag husband. Adam's mother demands he throw Edgar out, but when the confrontation occurs, Edgar states his offer: Adam can come visit his house and see if he wants to buy his miraculous horses. Adam likes horses, and is so tempted by the idea of these magical beasts that he agrees. Edgar leaves, and soon it's off to his house for Adam!
Now, a word on these magical horses. They're not, unfortunately, actually magical. This is a realistic historical romance. They are, however, identical twin gray horses who are beautiful and perfect in every way. Like I said, realistic. Magical horses would have been slightly more believable, I think. Anyway, their names are Cain and Abel (see what he did there?), and Edgar actually doesn't want to sell them. What?? Why did he invited Adam out there, then? No worries, all will be revealed in time.
Adam arrives at Castle Bourgeault (which may or may not have an actual name...I may or may not care) and the first thing he sees is a STUNNING PARAGON OF ANGELIC BEAUTY. This, of course, is Catherine, who is out in the garden, wearing a simple peasant dress that seems to be her only alternative to sexy whore-dresses. Catherine is blond-haired, blue-eyed (okay, I don't actually remember what color her eyes were, but it's a solid guess), and big-boobed. These, of course, are the most important characteristics of a beautiful woman. Catherine, however, feels like being mysterious when Adam flirts with her, and leads him to believe she's just a servant he can sleep with later. Imagine his surprise when he comes to dinner only to discover her in full strumpet-garb! Catherine is his super-sexy hostess! He can't sleep with HER!
Edgar, however, seems to have other plans. He continually forces the two of them together, almost as if he WANTS them to sleep together. So, when they go out for a ride the next day, Catherine takes Adam to her secret garden, where they have a picnic. In the midst of this picnic, they start making out, and before they know it, they're having sex right there on their picnic blanket. Picnic sex in a secret grove: isn't that everyone's dream? It was certainly Bella Swan's...just sayin'.
Now you know how there's that moment in books/movies where if the characters had just done one thing, all their problems would have been solved? Like in I Am Legend, where if Will Smith had just given the zombie back his girlfriend, he wouldn't have had any of those problems? Well, this is that moment. See, Catherine is secretly a virgin. WHAT?? But she's been married for, like, ever! How is this even possible? No worries, all will be revealed in time. Anyway, Catherine doesn't mention her virginity to Adam, and Adam, upon finding blood on his pants later, assumes that he merely fucked Catherine so hard her period started. Science, ladies and gentlemen! Anyway, as a result, they never discuss this with each other, and thus begin all their problems.
Adam leaves and goes back to London. This is probably for the best, as far as Catherine's marriage goes. However, there's a problem, namely that Catherine is not pregnant. Why would this be a problem? We'll find out! But anyway, Edgar decides to remedy this by taking Catherine to town for the first time ever. In all her sexy clothes, which are inappropriate for polite company. How could this possibly go wrong?
Of course Catherine and Adam can't keep their hands off each other. I mean, duh. So they develop this secret love nest and have sex like bunnies all the fucking time. Oh, and they're being followed by Edgar's creepy-ass servant (or creepy ass-servant, depending on your point of view). And then, tragedy strikes. And by tragedy, I mean pregnancy. That's right, Catherine's pregnant, and it's NOT EDGAR'S BABY.
I shall take this moment to point out that during the course of this relationship, Adam and Catherine never ONCE mentioned the bloody pants incident. So Adam is still under the impression that the sheer intensity of his sexytimes brought on Catherine's period, and Catherine is just keeping her mouth shut. Which is probably healthy. Again.
Anyway, back to the present. Edgar finds out about the baby and tells Catherine she has to break up with Adam and come back to their lonely estate with their magic twin horses. It's possible he threatens to kill Adam...I don't really remember. Either way, they have a tearful breakup, and Catherine goes back home.
Fast forward however many months. Let's say nine, for the sake of argument. Catherine has a beautiful daughter, and she's super happy. Edgar is not. Edgar wanted her to have a boy, so he could inherit. Now Catherine's in big trouble, and this time Edgar has a real threat: if she doesn't have a son with the next man who comes to visit, he'll kill her daughter.
Fortunately for all involved, the next man to visit is Adam's best friend, who just happened to be in the area and wanted to see what was up with the girl who broke his bestie's heart. Catherine comes onto him, and once he gets over his "What the fuck??" reaction and stops her, she explains what's been going on. The bestie realizes he must go tell Adam that he's a father and end this ridiculous farce of a marriage (/romance novel).
Adam is enraged! He rides his horse super-fast to Edgar's house and confronts him about his general ridiculous. Now the truth comes out: Edgar is extremely germaphobic. EXTREMELY. He can't touch anyone, ever. Hence, he has never ever had sex with his wife. Problem: he wants an heir. Therefore, he continually invited sleazeballs to his house to have sex with her and get her knocked up. At this point, there is some form of conflict, and Edgar starts to fall down the stairs. Adam holds out his hand to help, but Edgar refuses to touch anyone. So he falls down the stairs and dies. It's tragic. And by tragic, I mean no one cares.
Adam and Catherine are now free to be together with their lovechild. Which is awesome. Edgar's brother, who has inherited the estate, shows up. As it so happens, they're identical twins. Creepy, right? He is completely okay with Adam having, for all intents and purposes, killed his brother, and explains that everything Edgar did was okay. See, when he was little, his cousin molested him, and because of that he was messed up. That makes him a sympathetic character, right?
Then we have a cute little flash forward to a year later, when Adam and Catherine are happily married and just returning from their tour of Europe with their daughter (whose name I don't remember). She's pregnant with their first legitimate child! And now they've been away for long enough that people will stop gossiping about the fact that they had their child while Catherine was married to another man, caused said man's death, and then got married later. A year or so is long enough for that gossip to go stale, right? Oh, and Edgar's brother gave them the magic horses, so they've got that going on, too. Yep, they're living the life now. Happy endings ahoy!
So it's been a while since I read this, and I don't really remember all the details (obviously). What I will say is that this COULD have been a halfway decent romance novel. I actually liked the characters, and I thought their romance was passable. However, there was simply TOO MUCH PLOT. Romance novels are not for plot. They go like this: meet, sex, fight, makeup sex. You don't need all this creepy other shit. Also, I'm sorry, I'm all for love and all, but affairs are not acceptable. No matter how in love you are.
In short, this was not the most ridiculous Regency-era romance I have ever read, but neither was it the best. I give it a solid "Meh."
