In the Garden of Temptation

What is one thing that romance novel readers love more than smut? That's right, Regency-era smut. Why? Probably because of the whole forbidden atmosphere of it, not to mention the Mr. Darcy-ism of the various romantic interests. Someday I would like to write an entire post on historical romance novels and why the periods in which they are generally written are so popular, but it is not this day. Today, I am here with a sole purpose: a somewhat mocking review of In the Garden of Temptation by Cynthia Wicklund.

In the Garden of Temptation starts out with Catherine, the meek heroine, being emotionally/psychologically abused by her husband. He is a complete douchebag. We know this, because the author tells us so. Poor Catherine lives a hard life: her husband is a complete miser, so all their wealth is locked away, she lives in a castle all by herself, her husband dresses her like a whore, and every once and a while she has to entertain his seedy friends for him. Which, by the way, is the topic of tonight's dinner conversation! Edgar (the husband) is inviting some earl to come look at his miraculous horses! Catherine's job is to entertain him. Catherine is not pleased. Edgar is maliciously pleased by her displeasure. This is a healthy relationship.

Next we meet love interest Adam. Adam is the only son of a socialite mother (if you can call someone who throws fabulous parties once a year a socialite). He is young, unmarried, but totally into sexing up the ladies, because that is how men in romance novels, particularly of the historical variety, are. Tonight is his mother's usual one party of the year, and there's a horrible uninvited guest! It's none other than Edgar, poor Catherine's douchebag husband. Adam's mother demands he throw Edgar out, but when the confrontation occurs, Edgar states his offer: Adam can come visit his house and see if he wants to buy his miraculous horses. Adam likes horses, and is so tempted by the idea of these magical beasts that he agrees. Edgar leaves, and soon it's off to his house for Adam!

Now, a word on these magical horses. They're not, unfortunately, actually magical. This is a realistic historical romance. They are, however, identical twin gray horses who are beautiful and perfect in every way. Like I said, realistic. Magical horses would have been slightly more believable, I think. Anyway, their names are Cain and Abel (see what he did there?), and Edgar actually doesn't want to sell them. What?? Why did he invited Adam out there, then? No worries, all will be revealed in time.

Adam arrives at Castle Bourgeault (which may or may not have an actual name...I may or may not care) and the first thing he sees is a STUNNING PARAGON OF ANGELIC BEAUTY. This, of course, is Catherine, who is out in the garden, wearing a simple peasant dress that seems to be her only alternative to sexy whore-dresses. Catherine is blond-haired, blue-eyed (okay, I don't actually remember what color her eyes were, but it's a solid guess), and big-boobed. These, of course, are the most important characteristics of a beautiful woman. Catherine, however, feels like being mysterious when Adam flirts with her, and leads him to believe she's just a servant he can sleep with later. Imagine his surprise when he comes to dinner only to discover her in full strumpet-garb! Catherine is his super-sexy hostess! He can't sleep with HER!

Edgar, however, seems to have other plans. He continually forces the two of them together, almost as if he WANTS them to sleep together. So, when they go out for a ride the next day, Catherine takes Adam to her secret garden, where they have a picnic. In the midst of this picnic, they start making out, and before they know it, they're having sex right there on their picnic blanket. Picnic sex in a secret grove: isn't that everyone's dream? It was certainly Bella Swan's...just sayin'.

Now you know how there's that moment in books/movies where if the characters had just done one thing, all their problems would have been solved? Like in I Am Legend, where if Will Smith had just given the zombie back his girlfriend, he wouldn't have had any of those problems? Well, this is that moment. See, Catherine is secretly a virgin. WHAT?? But she's been married for, like, ever! How is this even possible? No worries, all will be revealed in time. Anyway, Catherine doesn't mention her virginity to Adam, and Adam, upon finding blood on his pants later, assumes that he merely fucked Catherine so hard her period started. Science, ladies and gentlemen! Anyway, as a result, they never discuss this with each other, and thus begin all their problems.

Adam leaves and goes back to London. This is probably for the best, as far as Catherine's marriage goes. However, there's a problem, namely that Catherine is not pregnant. Why would this be a problem? We'll find out! But anyway, Edgar decides to remedy this by taking Catherine to town for the first time ever. In all her sexy clothes, which are inappropriate for polite company. How could this possibly go wrong?

Of course Catherine and Adam can't keep their hands off each other. I mean, duh. So they develop this secret love nest and have sex like bunnies all the fucking time. Oh, and they're being followed by Edgar's creepy-ass servant (or creepy ass-servant, depending on your point of view). And then, tragedy strikes. And by tragedy, I mean pregnancy. That's right, Catherine's pregnant, and it's NOT EDGAR'S BABY.

I shall take this moment to point out that during the course of this relationship, Adam and Catherine never ONCE mentioned the bloody pants incident. So Adam is still under the impression that the sheer intensity of his sexytimes brought on Catherine's period, and Catherine is just keeping her mouth shut. Which is probably healthy. Again.

Anyway, back to the present. Edgar finds out about the baby and tells Catherine she has to break up with Adam and come back to their lonely estate with their magic twin horses. It's possible he threatens to kill Adam...I don't really remember. Either way, they have a tearful breakup, and Catherine goes back home.

Fast forward however many months. Let's say nine, for the sake of argument. Catherine has a beautiful daughter, and she's super happy. Edgar is not. Edgar wanted her to have a boy, so he could inherit. Now Catherine's in big trouble, and this time Edgar has a real threat: if she doesn't have a son with the next man who comes to visit, he'll kill her daughter.

Fortunately for all involved, the next man to visit is Adam's best friend, who just happened to be in the area and wanted to see what was up with the girl who broke his bestie's heart. Catherine comes onto him, and once he gets over his "What the fuck??" reaction and stops her, she explains what's been going on. The bestie realizes he must go tell Adam that he's a father and end this ridiculous farce of a marriage (/romance novel).

Adam is enraged! He rides his horse super-fast to Edgar's house and confronts him about his general ridiculous. Now the truth comes out: Edgar is extremely germaphobic. EXTREMELY. He can't touch anyone, ever. Hence, he has never ever had sex with his wife. Problem: he wants an heir. Therefore, he continually invited sleazeballs to his house to have sex with her and get her knocked up. At this point, there is some form of conflict, and Edgar starts to fall down the stairs. Adam holds out his hand to help, but Edgar refuses to touch anyone. So he falls down the stairs and dies. It's tragic. And by tragic, I mean no one cares.

Adam and Catherine are now free to be together with their lovechild. Which is awesome. Edgar's brother, who has inherited the estate, shows up. As it so happens, they're identical twins. Creepy, right? He is completely okay with Adam having, for all intents and purposes, killed his brother, and explains that everything Edgar did was okay. See, when he was little, his cousin molested him, and because of that he was messed up. That makes him a sympathetic character, right?

Then we have a cute little flash forward to a year later, when Adam and Catherine are happily married and just returning from their tour of Europe with their daughter (whose name I don't remember). She's pregnant with their first legitimate child! And now they've been away for long enough that people will stop gossiping about the fact that they had their child while Catherine was married to another man, caused said man's death, and then got married later. A year or so is long enough for that gossip to go stale, right? Oh, and Edgar's brother gave them the magic horses, so they've got that going on, too. Yep, they're living the life now. Happy endings ahoy!

So it's been a while since I read this, and I don't really remember all the details (obviously). What I will say is that this COULD have been a halfway decent romance novel. I actually liked the characters, and I thought their romance was passable. However, there was simply TOO MUCH PLOT. Romance novels are not for plot. They go like this: meet, sex, fight, makeup sex. You don't need all this creepy other shit. Also, I'm sorry, I'm all for love and all, but affairs are not acceptable. No matter how in love you are.

In short, this was not the most ridiculous Regency-era romance I have ever read, but neither was it the best. I give it a solid "Meh."

Fan Mail!

I know what you're thinking: "This blog has been around for a week, has one actual post, and somehow gets fan mail? I call BS!" Alas, dear reader, there you are incorrect. I have, in fact, received some fan mail, which I will post here for your enjoyment.

The following are some photos of the romance novel display at Target, uploaded with the mailer's comments:

The author's last name is Rimmer! RIMMER. It's totally her real name.

I would add, "WTF is that title?" Someday I will do a post on romance novel titles, because some of them are just over the top.

The author's first name is B.J. Again, totally legitimate, I bet.

She was "rustled". Like cattle. Is that some sort of subliminal message about people who read romance novels (seriously, and not for the lulz)?

A romance novel that takes place in a news studio! Have you ever seen one that takes place in a news studio? I feel like that's one location that wouldn't get a lot of love.

There's a lot to be said for news studio romance. For one, the people involved are more likely to be wealthy, particularly the men, which is always important. Also, news anchors' attractiveness is somewhat more probable than your average ordinary citizen. Not to mention the danger of getting caught by your boss. I'd say there's a lot of appeal there.

At Target, romance novels are placed right next to classics like To Kill a Mockingbird and The Diary of Anne Frank. Sigh.

Target is not exactly the best example of this, because their book section is relatively small. However, I do agree that it is a complete travesty that romance novels are next to required school reading/acknowledged classics such as these. Alas.

I'm currently working on another actual post, which should be up in the near future. Stay tuned!

Muchas gracias to Patty for her lovely fan mail.

Long Hard Ride

Today's installment of Ridiculous Romance Novels is called Long Hard Ride by Lorelei James (which is probably her real name). As implied in the title, it's a cowboy romance. There are several things to comment on just from this bit of knowledge. I know I don't live out west, and I've never really been there, but are cowboys still a thing? I mean, I know there are rodeos, but are there really huge numbers of people that travel from city to city to participate in or watch them (much like NASCAR)? Also, what is it about cowboys that's considered so appealing to the modern woman? Is it the isolated lifestyle they're purported to live? The danger inherent in their profession? The implication that riding horses and bulls and what have you makes them really, really good at riding women? Questions to consider when you're having trouble sleeping or pulling an all-nighter for no good reason.

So this romance novel starts out with our heroine, Channing Kinkaide, participating in a wet T-shirt contest at a bar. I know, charming, right? You definitely want to get to know this girl. She wins, too, a huge trophy that she gets to take home with her. Are all the characters in this novel so classy, you ask? Why yes, yes they are.

So Channing gets beer sprayed on her chest, shows off her perky, G-cup boobs, and wins a trophy. Meanwhile, because this is from her POV, we learn that she's dating a guy named Jared. Jared is possessive and mean. We should not like Jared. We also learn that Channing is not a native wild, wild westerner. She hails from Boston, where her family are old money. She attended an unspecified Ivy League school and got her Master's (presumably also at the Ivy League level). However, during all those years of education, she neglected to take a single women's studies class, as will become increasingly evident throughout the course of the novel. Being a "spunky" heroine, Channing hated that lifestyle and came out to the country for one last summer of fun before returning home to a cushy private school teaching job her parents got her (how DARE they).

Next, through Channing, we are introduced to our hero, Colby McKay. This is confusing for two reasons:

Channing Tatum

Colbie Caillat

This threw me off multiple times.

Colby is a cowboy, the hottest cowboy EVER, and he rides around with two almost-as-hot-but-not-quite-his-equal cowboy buddies.Channing has heard of them. They do kinky things with women. All the time. (I would like to add that Colby's brothers are named Carter and Cord and his sister's name is Keely, and yet no one took his parents aside and said, "Hey, you guys, all your kids' names sound like soap opera characters." Worst. Cowboy friends. Ever.) Colby likes Channing. He takes her out to the dance floor and basically sexually assaults her. Then Jared appears. He is an asshole. And also Australian. Because the one thing Australians love to do is come to the United States and live the cowboy lifestyle. Suddenly, a random Native American appears! He will continually pop up throughout the novel, so remember him. His name is Cash. Cash returns Channing's wet T-shirt trophy and Jared's phone before informing Jared that his wife called. His what now?!?! Channing thinks. Well, that relationship's over. Channing cements this by bashing poor Jared over the head with her trophy. And why not?

Pobre Channing now has no money and nowhere to go. Luckily, sexy cowboys! Colby offers her a deal: come with him and his gang of traveling hotties for the next week. In return, all she has to do is have sex (all sorts) with all three of them. Naturally, being the liberal-minded, feminist icon that she is, Channing agrees to this arrangement.

Next follows some weird-ass interaction, weird partly because romance novel sex is always weird and partly because it's with a minimum of two guys at the same time. To prove that she is worthy of their undivided sexual attention, Channing must simultaneously blow Colby and jerk off Trevor, the only character in this novel with a normal name. Again, she's such a feminist icon! Later, they play the sexy version of pool 20 Questions. Have you ever played 20 Questions in a pool? Basically what you do is sit in the questionee's arms and ask them questions, but instead of a yes/no answer, you either remain upright or get dunked. We used to play that quite often when I was a kid. The sexy version involves much less swimming. Channing is tied to a motel room bed (all of the sex in this novel is motel sex. Which is gross for multiple reasons) and blindfolded while one guy pleasures her. Then she has to guess which one it is. If she's wrong, she gets spanked. It's a huge pleasure party that is not at all demeaning.

After Sexy 20 Questions, Trevor goes out to the trailer to check on the loser third cowboy, a Brazilian named Edgard. You know, that traditional Brazilian name. We don't see a lot of Edgard, but he seems slightly hostile toward Channing. What could possibly be wrong with him? Has he seen her boobs? Anyway, Trevor is gone all night. What on earth could that indicate? (SPOILERS: Trevor and Edgard are gay lovers. It comes as a huge shock to Channing and presumably to the reader later on. Except, I mean, come ON.)

Then there's a lot of driving, a lot of rodeo, and a lot more sexy times. Channing makes some new friends, including an older woman named Gemma, a woman whose name I forget but it might be Maggie, and Maggie's daughter who has some cutesy name like Daisy. Maggie and Daisy are not particularly important.

Then one day, at the rodeo, Colby falls off a bull! He is horribly injured and his hand swells up. You know what that means....Channing gets to play nurse! Apparently basic first aid was a skill she picked up at her Ivy League school (along with top-notch blowjobs, apparently), so she ices Colby down and confines him to a bunk in the trailer. Later, they have hot, sore trailer sex, and Channing does it with two men at the same time for the first time in her life! It's almost as exciting as the first time she tried anal!

Then Colby decides to get possessive. He tells Channing she's only supposed to have sex with HIM now. Then they have extremely violent sex, because both of them are so in love with each other, but somehow they both misinterpret it because the next day they're fighting. Don't question.

Meanwhile, Channing catches Edgard and Trevor having hot gay sex. Rather than be embarrassed and give them some privacy, she decides she's going to sit in the corner and watch (Voyeurism: also an Ivy League skill? Perhaps it's for the best I got rejected by Brown...). Then she and Edgard have a deep conversation in which he confides that he's going back to Brazil forever and if Trevor wants him, he'll have to come after him. But he hasn't TOLD Trevor this, of course. Who needs communication for a functional relationship? This is a romance novel! All communication is performed through sex!

Colby decides he's going to compete in the rodeo despite his horrible injuries. This is a BAD IDEA. But he does it anyway. And then his legs get crushed and he has to be rushed to the hospital. He survives, but he'll never rodeo again. Oh no! But no worries, now Channing will never have to worry about him getting injured doing dangerous things again! However, she does realize she can't be hanging around all the time waiting for Colby to recover, so while he's unconscious she tells him she loves him and leaves. How selfless of her!

Flash forward one week. Trevor is sad that Edgard left. He doesn't do anything about it. This plot point remains unresolved.

Flash forward 8 more weeks. Colby is on his front deck, mad that he can't move around or anything. And also, where did Channing go? She just up and disappeared! Suddenly, a phone call! It's Gemma, our friendly older cowgirl. Gemma says hi, and then in a fit of subtlety, has a side conversation with Channing, who's living on her ranch, learning to be a good farm girl so she can be an appropriate wife for Colby. Colby goes crazy, drives two hours away, and proposes to Channing. She says yes, of course! They've known each other for a whole 10 weeks, 9 of which were spent apart. This relationship is sure to work!

I had several problems with this novel. There were your typical everyone is chauvinist, all problems are solved with hot, hot sex, not every man in the world is absolutely gorgeous, antifeminist problems, but I also felt that certain areas could be improved rather simply. For example, I thought it would have been much more romantic if Channing had gone back to Boston and started her teaching job and Colby had to come after her. You know, see the guy putting some work into this relationship and possible changing a bit for his girlfriend. Like a real relationship. Instead, Channing simply has to adapt to Colby's lifestyle. Not cool, romance novel author. Not. Cool. Also, there was absolutely NO closure on the Trevor/Edgard storyline. It just kind of ended. I probably would have been okay with this if the 3-page previews in the back had given any indication that their story was expanded upon in a sequel, but no such luck. So Edgard waits endlessly in Brazil for Trevor, who isn't coming, and Trevor is forever alone (and forever pretending to be straight.). I was also a little irritated by the constant presence of Cash, the random Native American, who shows up EVERYWHERE and yet manages not to be an important character. If he wasn't the love interest in one of the sequels advertised at the end (between him and Gemma...sexy, hot, interracial, older couple love...OH YEAH), he wouldn't have been in this book at all. Which is probably why his character felt so pointless.

As with many romance novels I have read, this was a shoddy piece of work, relying mostly on the publicity of its genre (cowboy) and its kinkiness (threesomes, foursomes, gay sex) to sell. Its characters were unlikable, unrelatable, and all-around annoying (okay, by "characters" I mean "Channing"). The thing that frustrated me most, however, was that it could have been a halfway decent book if the author had made a few relatively minor changes. But that, dear friends, is where I sense I shall be often disappointed in days to come.

In Defense of Romance Novels

I suppose the title of this post is a bit misleading, as I in no way shape or form tend to defend the existence of romance novels. Rather, I will defend my interest in them, and as such, hopefully explain the premise of this blog.

The first thing one needs to know about me is that I am a sucker for free Kindle romance novels. That is how I acquire a solid 98% of the romance novels I have (the rest are from a library book sale I recently went to where all items cost 25 cents. There are worse ways to spend $1.50). I will purchase just about anything as long as it's free, because, let's face it, I'm not spending any money on it. I have thus ended up with a wide variety of novels, from science fiction to urban fantasy to Christian to historical, the majority of which are self-published or unavailable in print. Yes, they are that bad. This is not a blog for good romance novels.

My addiction to romance novels has begun to spiral out of control. At any given time, I have 80-100 romance novels on my Kindle, and so I have made it my task to clear them out until I can get them down around 50. This tends to backfire horribly, as I can only read one at a time, but I tend to download them in groups of 8-15. So...that plan is not entirely working out for me. But it works out well for this blog. 

I feel like I should share my reasons for reading romance novels. No, it's not because I'm a lonely, unfulfilled woman who dreams of being ravished by a reformed rake (no, thanks, I'll take a nice guy who treats me like a human being and not a walking, talking vagina). I read romance novels for several reasons:

1. They're entertaining. There's nothing quite like Celestia and Augustus and their frequent sexcapades to keep your mind off how boring your own life is. Plus, there are characters with names like Celestia and Augustus (DISCLAIMER: I have never actually read a romance novel with characters named Celestia and/or Augustus). You get to laugh at them, at their antics, and at their "true love", which usually comes about after a few bouts of rockin' awesome sex.
2. They're interesting. One of the things I have learned from romance novels is that they are a very good study of what idealized relationships look like for some people. It's interesting that what's popular (and also free) is relationships based on sex. It's also fun to study the relationships between men and women in the novel and make fun of how non-modern-feminist they are.
3. They're brainless. Surprisingly, you don't have to put much energy/concentration into reading a romance novel. You can easily skip a page and not miss anything. They're a lot easier to read when exhausted or on a long trip than, say, Anna Karenina. And sometimes, it's fun to read brainless things. How do you think Twilight became so popular, initially?

Finally, the object of this blog: I will dissect (insofar as I have the patience to think that deeply about them) romance novels in terms of writing, character development, and themes (particularly retaining to relationships and male v. female roles). I will try my very hardest to recollect some of the more ridiculous ones I have read in the past and review those without needing to reread them, but honestly, with so much nonsense out there, I'm bound to find equally ridiculous ones in the future.