That capitalization is not accidental. That's actually how the book is listed on Amazon. As it would indicate, this novel is self-published. In case the title isn't enough to convince you, let's examine the plot.
We start out in a hell dimension, where Demeana (get it, because she demeans men?) is tormenting men as part of her job. She works for Femilla, goddess of womanhood, to punish men for doing wrong by women in their lifetimes. That's...empowering, I guess. The men get tortured for one hundred years, then they get one month on Earth to redeem themselves. If they don't, they spend another century in torment, unless they give themselves over to their demon torturers, who get to eat their souls. So there's some incentive for poor Demeana here.
Demeana is super-pumped to eat the soul of her favorite victim. His name is Andrew, and she's been tormenting him for all of 500 years. He's bound to give in soon! But alas! Femilla appears and tells her it's time for Andrew to go to Earth and find true love in a single month. Demeana's kind of pissed, but she heals up his more recent wounds and sends him along anyway.
Now we go to Australia, where Caitlin and her best friend whose name eludes me are driving out to her parents' house to spend the weekend. We get some backstory on Caitlin: she's recently single, broken up with her abusive boyfriend who's in jail for raping a teenager. Cute. Naturally, she's completely put off men. Her friend is getting married soon, which is just making Caitlin depressed. All she wants is true love! Will she ever find it? (SPOILERS: yes. Well, depending on your opinion. If you ask me, most romance novel love isn't actually true love)
Suddenly, Caitlin and Friend encounter a naked man on the road! He's, um, naked, and it's really cold out, so that's no good, and also he has all these cuts and bruises and scars, so they assume he must have been set upon by robbers (because highwaymen are, apparently, still a real danger in Australia). Being kind souls, they decide to take him back to the house with them, even though he's clearly deranged, ranting about Demeana and hell dimensions.
Andrew is confused. He doesn't understand technology or women in pants. Keep in mind it's been 100 years. He decides not to get distracted by technology like he usually does and spend his month wooing a lady. We also learn that apparently he spends a lot of his brief time on Earth sleeping with random women, which does not bode well for him (and which, we discover later, is completely out of character, presumably because the author changed her mind midway through writing this and never went back and fixed it. Which is why self-publishing is dangerous).
That night, chez Friend's parents, Caitlin has a horrible dream! She's stuck back in medieval England, about to be married to some lord. Her name here is Catherine (which is technically the same name as Caitlin, except Caitlin is Irish), and she looks exactly the same as she does now. Except them she goes into all the differences: Catherine is about twelve years younger, more blond, less freckly, skinnier...you begin to wonder if they actually look alike at all. Then she meets her husband-to-be and HOLY SHIT it looks just like Andrew, the mysterious man they rescued! WHAAAAT IS HAPPENING????
Caitlin's dream fast-forwards to Andrew and Catherine's wedding night, where Andrew has sex with Catherine without, shall we say, "preparing" her. Caitlin is horrified and decides that Andrew is a rapist, which pissed me off to no end. I'm not going to go into my opinion of rape in a medieval setting, because I think it's something of a gray area, but I will say this: when a man has sex with a woman without, ahem, "preparing" her first, IT IS UNCOMFORTABLE FOR BOTH PARTIES. It's fairly clear that Andrew just has NO FUCKING CLUE how to have sex. You'd think, as a modern woman, Caitlin would figure that out, but since she's a romance novel heroine and there needs to be conflict, she's too stupid. Ugh. It made me really, really mad.
Anyway, when Caitlin wakes up she thinks, "Man, that was pretty fucking weird" and moves on with her life. We learn she's descended from Englishmen (this is important and will come up later when we talk about time loops and why you shouldn't fuck with them) and I don't know, there's probably some more angsting. Caitlin isn't really that interesting.
We also learn that the person behind these strange dreams is Demeana, who is so determined to eat Andrew's soul that she'll do anything to convince Caitlin not to fall in love with him. Which does make you wonder why she's a threat, when no one from Andrew's previous Earth-times is. Perhaps there never really was anyone? But then why would Demeana assume Caitlin is someone? Can anyone see these memories, or only Caitlin, because of her heritage? NEVER EXPLAINED.
Back in Catherine world, she's making nice with the servants. One of them, a wise old lady (you really can't have a wise character unless s/he's also old), tells Catherine Andrew's terrible life story. His father loved his mother very much, but she died giving birth to him. He locked his only son and heir away in a forgotten wing of his castle (common practice in medieval times, when having sons and heirs was basically the only goal in life, besides accumulating money, power, and land) and remarried. It isn't until he has another son (Steven, I want to say?) with his new wife that Andrew is discovered at all. By now, he's ten years old. Yes, somehow they kept a child quiet enough for ten years that no one discovered him. But now that he's been discovered, his father is required to keep him as his heir, even though he hates him for looking like his mother.
Catherine, of course, is mortified by this story. She decides she's going to make an effort to make Andrew happy, even though he's bad at sex (though being a.) a lady in a medieval society and b.) a virgin, I don't really know what her point of comparison is).
Enter Steven. Steven may not be his name, but it is now. Steven is handsome and charming, unlike Andrew (who, though way handsomer than any other man ever, is too surly to be charming), and he's very nice to Catherine. Until he comes onto her and refuses to leave her alone when she asks him to. Naturally, misunderstanding happens and Andrew assumes Catherine and Steven are a thing. She somehow manages to convince him otherwise, and they fall in love, learn how to have sex, and are well on their way to a happily ever after. Caitlin, dreaming all this, realizes she quite likes Andrew as a human being, and they fall in love and have sex. It seems like everything's going to work out. Andrew will be freed from the clutches of Demeana, and the two of them will live happily ever after. But then, Steven!
Steven is evil, and he doesn't take no for an answer. So he comes after Catherine, attempts to rape her, and then challenges Andrew to a duel when he tries to defend her. On the day of the duel, Catherine jumps between the two men (don't remember why), and Steven pulls her in front of him so Andrew stabs and kills her instead of his brother. Tragedy!
Femilla and Demeana are also watching this footage with Caitlin, and they apparently have never seen it before, since when it's revealed that Andrew's killing Catherine was an accident, they're shocked and amazed. Um, isn't that something you would have liked to look into BEFORE the 500 years of torture? I mean, what kind of god of womankind are you, Femilla? So busy avenging wronged women you can't even check to see if you're right? Is this a statement by the author against militant feminism? So. Many. Questions.
Anyway, Caitlin completely forgives Andrew all his wrongdoing and decides she's in love with him instead. Then Demeana appears and frees him from his deal and then offers them a wish in return for being shitty and not doing her research. You know, like how people offer you 20% off coupons when they ruin your life with bad customer service. They decide they want to go back and live in medieval times and PUNISH STEVEN. Because, you know, there's something romantic about no toothbrushes, oppressed women, and castles with no central heat or air conditioning. I would pick it too (NOT).
Anyway, Andrew and Caitlin blink and are back in medieval England. I would like to take this opportunity to point out that while Caitlin is in a long skirt, she's still not at all appropriately dressed, and Andrew is wearing JEANS. Still, before they do anything else, they overhear Steven conspiring with highwaymen, and Andrew goes off to tell the sheriff about all this shit.
Caitlin, meanwhile, goes back to the castle, where no one notices that she is a.) more ginger, b.) twelve years older, c.) Australian, and d.) poorly dressed. The excuse for this artistic laziness is that "servants never look their lords in the face." Um. It's also never explained why the original Andrew and Catherine disappeared. Did they just stop existing? That's a shame, because they're way better than their modern-day counterparts.
Steven comes to the duel the next day, but before they can get started the sheriff comes and arrests him for consorting with highwaymen. He gets hanged, Andrew and Caitlin live happily ever after, and a few days later Caitlin's defunct cell phone (I'm willing to accept that it gets service, since said service is from a hell dimension, but it still has battery life? What kind of phone is this and where can I get one?) gets a call from Demeana, who's just letting them know that now Steven is getting tortured in a hell dimension, to Andrew and Caitlin's glee. Because if there's one thing you need in a likable character, it's a deep appreciation for the torture of other people. Even awful villains.
Okay, let's talk about a few things here. First, parallel storylines. They didn't actually annoy me as much as they could have, mostly because I liked Catherine and Andrew so much. They were cute. I really felt the chemistry. Caitlin and Modern Andrew were really annoying, and it seemed like all they wanted to do was have sex with each other (which, admittedly, is true of most romance novel couples). Second, consistent characterization. As I mentioned, at the beginning of the book we learn that Andrew is usually kind of a slut when he gets his month on Earth. So why does neither Modern Andrew (who is only interested in Caitlin) nor Past Andrew spend any time with prostitutes? Again, because the author changed her mind halfway through and didn't go back and fix it. Editing is a pain, I know, but there's really no excuse for that.
Third, time loops. Oh, my God time loops. So we know that Caitlin is descended from English people, and that she's a reincarnation of Catherine. So she must be descended from Catherine, except Catherine died before she had any children, except Caitlin replaced her...Holy fucking shit. Caitlin is descended from herself. And that's why you don't fuck with time loops.
Showing posts with label stupid. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stupid. Show all posts
Friday, January 20, 2012
Friday, December 23, 2011
The Bite Before Christmas
This is my delayed Christmas romance novel post. There are a multitude of reasons for this delay, not least of which that this was one of the most irritating, stupid books I have ever read. And I say that having read Slave.
The Bite Before Christmas, written by Heidi Betts, has been on my Kindle for over a year, though I was putting off reading it until, you know, Christmas. It's a collection of three vampire Christmas short stories, and it's exactly as stupid as the title (and the cover, which was actually a huge selling point for me, and not in a good way) make it seem. The author is under the impression that she is incredibly witty (she's not) and that her "sassy" characters are actually likable (no on that count as well). Her vampire lore, which she vehemently insists is better than Twilight's (okay, it is, but what kind of comparison is that?), leads to contrived situations, mostly as far as characterization goes. But more on that as we analyze each story individually.
The first short story is called "All I Vant for Christmas Is You". See what I mean when I say she's trying to be clever? Seriously. Anyway, it's the story of Connor Drake, the mature vampire with two obnoxious teenage vampire siblings who just wants to have a normal human Christmas. You know, like all three-hundred-year-old vampires do. His siblings, Liam and Maeve (they must be Irish, as indicated by their incredibly Irish last name... Drake), meanwhile, just want to enjoy their eternal youth by getting piercings, dyeing their hair, and wearing goth clothes with funny slogans like "Real Vampires Don't Sparkle". The author explains that vampires are mentally stuck at the age they were when they turned, so Connor is perpetually in his mid-thirties and Liam and Maeve are forever teenagers. Well, that sucks (lol see what I did there?).
Anyway, the story starts out on Thanksgiving, which Connor wants to celebrate traditionally because that is what 200-year-old vampires want more than anything. But Liam and Maeve hate all that touchy-feely humany-wumany stuff and therefore refuse to cooperate with Connor's plan. It's a total disaster. So when it comes time to plan for Christmas, Connor goes to Angelina, the vampire matchmaker who is also his friend, for help, and she finds him Jillian, a human (le gasp) event planner. She's a miracle worker, Angelina promises. And more than that, she's hot with a capital H and two t's (author's words, not mine). Connor immediately wants to tap that and tells Jillian she'll be working and living at his house from the beginning of December until after the Christmas extravaganza. She's a little nervous, but agrees, and soon there's flying sexual tension, which both sides are trying to hide since it's not reciprocated. Jillian, in addition to preparing the perfect traditional Christmas, manages to get Liam and Maeve in on the whole Christmas thing. Connor thinks this is absolutely fantastic, and then there's some flirting, and then some sex, and then Connor invites Jillian to move in full time and even lets her bring her cat. It's your typical whirlwind romance, but we'll let that slide because it's a short story.
The ridiculousness of this story is mostly the premise: we have three 200-year-old vampires, two of whom are living like college freshmen (partying every single night and dressing like goths) and the third of whom wants to be a normal human. I can't help but think that if I'd been a vampire for that long, I'd rather disregard human customs and, I don't know, do vampire things. Not that I have any idea what those are, but the point remains. I just don't get the vampire psyche in this book.
The second story, "A Vampire in Her Stocking", is about Vivian, an undercover vampire working at a news station at night. She has a huge crush on Sean, her boss, though of course it's completely unrequited, because this is a romance novel and that's how romance novels work. It's the end of the work night and Vivian and Sean are the only two people left in the office when Sean tells her he won't be coming back after the holidays. At first, Vivian is confused, thinking he's going to another network, until he tells her that he has an inoperable brain tumor and wants to die in peace. Vivian is understandably upset, so she decides it's time for Sean to know how she feels about him. She kisses him, which leads to office sex, and it's exactly as good as she imagined it would be. Later, still distraught, Vivian confides in her good friend Angelina (yes, Angelina the matchmaker), who suggests that she save Sean's life by turning him. Vivian is opposed to the idea: Sean hates vampires and wouldn't appreciate being turned into one, even if he knew it was coming. So Angelina does the one thing a good vampire friend would: she turns Sean without his permission, ties a bow around him, and leaves him on Vivian's couch.
Sean is, of course, confused and disoriented when he wakes up. He refuses to believe Vivian when she explains what happened to him, at least until he opens the blinds and burns his hands. Then his raging vampire libido takes over and he and Vivian have crazed vampire sex. The next morning, he leaves, telling her he needs to figure some stuff out. Vivian assumes it's because he hates being a vampire, hates her for being a vampire, and blames her for turning him into one. So she gives him his space and mourns him quietly for the next couple of weeks.
Sean, meanwhile, is exploring his newfound vampirism. His first order of business is to determine if the fireworks he felt with Vivian are a side effect of being a vampire or if they're unique to her. So he trolls some vampire clubs, kisses a few vampiresses, and determines that no, only he and Vivian make that kind of magic.
Angelina takes Vivian to Connor and Jillian's Christmas party, where she and Sean reunite, he confesses his love, and they live happily ever after.
The third story, "It's a Wonderful Bite", picks up right after the last one ends. This story's protagonist is none other than Angelina, the problem-creator of the two previous stories. Angelina is admiring her handiwork at Connor and Jillian's party. We learn that since the beginning of December, Liam has gotten a job at one of Connor's restaurants and is set for a promotion, and Maeve has moved into her own apartment. Wow, that's a lot of realistic changes in a few short weeks.
Angelina is quite happy on her own. She's been dating Ian for several decades, but he won't give her what she really wants: marriage. Again, why a vampire who's been around for multiple centuries would set such stock on human customs is again beyond me. But whatever.
Angelina and Ian have this cute little habit of having sex while watching It's a Wonderful Life. They say the lines along with the movie, too. It's probably cute unless you're a huge Jimmy Stewart fan, in which case it's eye-rollingly, nauseatingly obnoxious. Alas, I happen to be a huge Jimmy Stewart fan. Sorry, Heidi.
As they drift off to peaceful slumber, Angelina wonders what their life would be like if neither of them had been turned into vampires. Well, since Ian's older than Angelina by at least a century, they never would have met. But disregarding that, as it turns out they're both dirt-poor cops.
Angelina wakes up in a dirty motel room with Ian. He tells her they have to go, and she puts on her gross, ugly, poor-person clothes. FYI, she spends the entire time in this alternate universe bitching about how much she misses being a rich and fabulous vampire. She's such a sympathetic character!
Angelina soon discerns that she and Ian are cops investigating what he thinks is a meth lab. He's married with children, she's single and the other woman. Classy. He insists he would have married her straight out of high school, but she refused and went to college instead. He knocked up another woman and did the right thing and married her. Now he can't leave her because of the kids, so he's still doing the right thing and cheating on her rather than getting a divorce.
Imagine Angelina's surprise when the meth lab turns out to be a vampire nest! As humans, they don't stand a chance. Angelina talks Ian out of a standoff, and they go back to her apartment for sexytimes, during the course of which Angelina refers to Ian as "the perfect man (read: every woman's wet dream)" and admires his tattoos. Really? Is the perfect man every woman's wet dream? I'm pretty sure every woman's wet dream is the type she has sex with, but not the type she wants a committed relationship with. You don't wet dream about settling down...unless you have a fetish. Heidi, your cleverness fails you again!
Also, the tattoos. Ian has two, one of which I don't remember and the other of which is an angel with Angelina's face. Get it? Because Angelina = angel. He refers to the tattoos as his "body armor" and tells Angelina she always picks them out for him...so the angel Angelina was her idea. Again, classy. She decides he should get a third tattoo, of her lips right over his heart. And his wife still has no idea he's cheating on her with his partner! Either she's an idiot, or the author didn't feel like doing much character development with her. Take a guess which one. I mean, I know it's a short story, but really?
Anyway, while Angelina is sleeping off the afterglow, Ian sneaks back to the "meth lab" to bust those assholes. Angelina only finds out when his wife calls to ask if he's with her, which is her only purpose in this story besides being a needless complication, and Angelina immediately panics. Off she goes to rescue her lover!
Angelina breaks in and, when she's caught, makes up an excuse about finding her mother's cat, Fluffy. Which the vampires fall for, because it's a completely legit excuse and normal adults have cats named Fluffy. Either way, she lets herself get lured down into the basement, where there are three more vampires and Ian, tied to a chair. Angelina manages to break his chair, take a leg in each hand, and stake two of the vampires. The other two are a bit more difficult, since they're not taken by surprise, but Angelina does manage to stake both of them, though not before one of them sinks his teeth into Ian's jugular. Angelina is unable to save him and instead weeps over his body while, again, quoting It's a Wonderful Life in order to wake up.
It totally works! Suddenly Angelina is back in her rich vampire bed, curled next to Ian who is very much alive and also a vampire. Relieved, she initiates some nice sex, and at the end is shocked when Ian pulls out a small box and proposes. OMG, it's her dream come true! A happy ending for the third couple.
Thing is, Angelina said at the beginning of her story that Ian wasn't interested in getting married. So, aside from plot convenience, why did he change his mind? I imagine her wearing him down with passive-aggressive hints until finally he decided it was better to give in to her stupid human custom than to lose her forever (though I can't imagine why, since she's about the most annoying woman of all time). And again, why put so much emphasis on marriage anyway? Again, they're vampires. They should be above human customs, at least in my opinion. But whatever.
Can we talk about a few aesthetic things in novels? Yes, let's. For one, the chapter titles. The first short story called chapters "bites", as in "Bite One", "Bite Two", etc. The third one called the chapters "sips", and the second had chapters named after blood types, "Type A", "Type B", "Type O", etc. It was the most annoying tying of all time, because I could tell the author thought she was really clever and hilarious, as with the short stories and yes, even the title of the book. Just...ugh.
The author was also fond of making pop culture references. A few of these are okay (though admittedly weird in an alternate universe), but she went over the top. Constant references to Twilight and Buffy the Vampire Slayer just seemed weird and out of place in a vampire novel. I don't know, it grated on me.
Not to mention the incredibly irritating characters, particularly Angelina, the complete lack of realism (yes, I know it's a vampire romance novel, but there still needs to be some iota of realism.), and the somewhat conflicting vampire lore (why didn't Ian know about vampires in the alternate universe, if vampires were already "out"?) really got to me and made this a terrible, awful book.
I leave you with the cover, for your consideration:
The Bite Before Christmas, written by Heidi Betts, has been on my Kindle for over a year, though I was putting off reading it until, you know, Christmas. It's a collection of three vampire Christmas short stories, and it's exactly as stupid as the title (and the cover, which was actually a huge selling point for me, and not in a good way) make it seem. The author is under the impression that she is incredibly witty (she's not) and that her "sassy" characters are actually likable (no on that count as well). Her vampire lore, which she vehemently insists is better than Twilight's (okay, it is, but what kind of comparison is that?), leads to contrived situations, mostly as far as characterization goes. But more on that as we analyze each story individually.
The first short story is called "All I Vant for Christmas Is You". See what I mean when I say she's trying to be clever? Seriously. Anyway, it's the story of Connor Drake, the mature vampire with two obnoxious teenage vampire siblings who just wants to have a normal human Christmas. You know, like all three-hundred-year-old vampires do. His siblings, Liam and Maeve (they must be Irish, as indicated by their incredibly Irish last name... Drake), meanwhile, just want to enjoy their eternal youth by getting piercings, dyeing their hair, and wearing goth clothes with funny slogans like "Real Vampires Don't Sparkle". The author explains that vampires are mentally stuck at the age they were when they turned, so Connor is perpetually in his mid-thirties and Liam and Maeve are forever teenagers. Well, that sucks (lol see what I did there?).
Anyway, the story starts out on Thanksgiving, which Connor wants to celebrate traditionally because that is what 200-year-old vampires want more than anything. But Liam and Maeve hate all that touchy-feely humany-wumany stuff and therefore refuse to cooperate with Connor's plan. It's a total disaster. So when it comes time to plan for Christmas, Connor goes to Angelina, the vampire matchmaker who is also his friend, for help, and she finds him Jillian, a human (le gasp) event planner. She's a miracle worker, Angelina promises. And more than that, she's hot with a capital H and two t's (author's words, not mine). Connor immediately wants to tap that and tells Jillian she'll be working and living at his house from the beginning of December until after the Christmas extravaganza. She's a little nervous, but agrees, and soon there's flying sexual tension, which both sides are trying to hide since it's not reciprocated. Jillian, in addition to preparing the perfect traditional Christmas, manages to get Liam and Maeve in on the whole Christmas thing. Connor thinks this is absolutely fantastic, and then there's some flirting, and then some sex, and then Connor invites Jillian to move in full time and even lets her bring her cat. It's your typical whirlwind romance, but we'll let that slide because it's a short story.
The ridiculousness of this story is mostly the premise: we have three 200-year-old vampires, two of whom are living like college freshmen (partying every single night and dressing like goths) and the third of whom wants to be a normal human. I can't help but think that if I'd been a vampire for that long, I'd rather disregard human customs and, I don't know, do vampire things. Not that I have any idea what those are, but the point remains. I just don't get the vampire psyche in this book.
The second story, "A Vampire in Her Stocking", is about Vivian, an undercover vampire working at a news station at night. She has a huge crush on Sean, her boss, though of course it's completely unrequited, because this is a romance novel and that's how romance novels work. It's the end of the work night and Vivian and Sean are the only two people left in the office when Sean tells her he won't be coming back after the holidays. At first, Vivian is confused, thinking he's going to another network, until he tells her that he has an inoperable brain tumor and wants to die in peace. Vivian is understandably upset, so she decides it's time for Sean to know how she feels about him. She kisses him, which leads to office sex, and it's exactly as good as she imagined it would be. Later, still distraught, Vivian confides in her good friend Angelina (yes, Angelina the matchmaker), who suggests that she save Sean's life by turning him. Vivian is opposed to the idea: Sean hates vampires and wouldn't appreciate being turned into one, even if he knew it was coming. So Angelina does the one thing a good vampire friend would: she turns Sean without his permission, ties a bow around him, and leaves him on Vivian's couch.
Sean is, of course, confused and disoriented when he wakes up. He refuses to believe Vivian when she explains what happened to him, at least until he opens the blinds and burns his hands. Then his raging vampire libido takes over and he and Vivian have crazed vampire sex. The next morning, he leaves, telling her he needs to figure some stuff out. Vivian assumes it's because he hates being a vampire, hates her for being a vampire, and blames her for turning him into one. So she gives him his space and mourns him quietly for the next couple of weeks.
Sean, meanwhile, is exploring his newfound vampirism. His first order of business is to determine if the fireworks he felt with Vivian are a side effect of being a vampire or if they're unique to her. So he trolls some vampire clubs, kisses a few vampiresses, and determines that no, only he and Vivian make that kind of magic.
Angelina takes Vivian to Connor and Jillian's Christmas party, where she and Sean reunite, he confesses his love, and they live happily ever after.
The third story, "It's a Wonderful Bite", picks up right after the last one ends. This story's protagonist is none other than Angelina, the problem-creator of the two previous stories. Angelina is admiring her handiwork at Connor and Jillian's party. We learn that since the beginning of December, Liam has gotten a job at one of Connor's restaurants and is set for a promotion, and Maeve has moved into her own apartment. Wow, that's a lot of realistic changes in a few short weeks.
Angelina is quite happy on her own. She's been dating Ian for several decades, but he won't give her what she really wants: marriage. Again, why a vampire who's been around for multiple centuries would set such stock on human customs is again beyond me. But whatever.
Angelina and Ian have this cute little habit of having sex while watching It's a Wonderful Life. They say the lines along with the movie, too. It's probably cute unless you're a huge Jimmy Stewart fan, in which case it's eye-rollingly, nauseatingly obnoxious. Alas, I happen to be a huge Jimmy Stewart fan. Sorry, Heidi.
As they drift off to peaceful slumber, Angelina wonders what their life would be like if neither of them had been turned into vampires. Well, since Ian's older than Angelina by at least a century, they never would have met. But disregarding that, as it turns out they're both dirt-poor cops.
Angelina wakes up in a dirty motel room with Ian. He tells her they have to go, and she puts on her gross, ugly, poor-person clothes. FYI, she spends the entire time in this alternate universe bitching about how much she misses being a rich and fabulous vampire. She's such a sympathetic character!
Angelina soon discerns that she and Ian are cops investigating what he thinks is a meth lab. He's married with children, she's single and the other woman. Classy. He insists he would have married her straight out of high school, but she refused and went to college instead. He knocked up another woman and did the right thing and married her. Now he can't leave her because of the kids, so he's still doing the right thing and cheating on her rather than getting a divorce.
Imagine Angelina's surprise when the meth lab turns out to be a vampire nest! As humans, they don't stand a chance. Angelina talks Ian out of a standoff, and they go back to her apartment for sexytimes, during the course of which Angelina refers to Ian as "the perfect man (read: every woman's wet dream)" and admires his tattoos. Really? Is the perfect man every woman's wet dream? I'm pretty sure every woman's wet dream is the type she has sex with, but not the type she wants a committed relationship with. You don't wet dream about settling down...unless you have a fetish. Heidi, your cleverness fails you again!
Also, the tattoos. Ian has two, one of which I don't remember and the other of which is an angel with Angelina's face. Get it? Because Angelina = angel. He refers to the tattoos as his "body armor" and tells Angelina she always picks them out for him...so the angel Angelina was her idea. Again, classy. She decides he should get a third tattoo, of her lips right over his heart. And his wife still has no idea he's cheating on her with his partner! Either she's an idiot, or the author didn't feel like doing much character development with her. Take a guess which one. I mean, I know it's a short story, but really?
Anyway, while Angelina is sleeping off the afterglow, Ian sneaks back to the "meth lab" to bust those assholes. Angelina only finds out when his wife calls to ask if he's with her, which is her only purpose in this story besides being a needless complication, and Angelina immediately panics. Off she goes to rescue her lover!
Angelina breaks in and, when she's caught, makes up an excuse about finding her mother's cat, Fluffy. Which the vampires fall for, because it's a completely legit excuse and normal adults have cats named Fluffy. Either way, she lets herself get lured down into the basement, where there are three more vampires and Ian, tied to a chair. Angelina manages to break his chair, take a leg in each hand, and stake two of the vampires. The other two are a bit more difficult, since they're not taken by surprise, but Angelina does manage to stake both of them, though not before one of them sinks his teeth into Ian's jugular. Angelina is unable to save him and instead weeps over his body while, again, quoting It's a Wonderful Life in order to wake up.
It totally works! Suddenly Angelina is back in her rich vampire bed, curled next to Ian who is very much alive and also a vampire. Relieved, she initiates some nice sex, and at the end is shocked when Ian pulls out a small box and proposes. OMG, it's her dream come true! A happy ending for the third couple.
Thing is, Angelina said at the beginning of her story that Ian wasn't interested in getting married. So, aside from plot convenience, why did he change his mind? I imagine her wearing him down with passive-aggressive hints until finally he decided it was better to give in to her stupid human custom than to lose her forever (though I can't imagine why, since she's about the most annoying woman of all time). And again, why put so much emphasis on marriage anyway? Again, they're vampires. They should be above human customs, at least in my opinion. But whatever.
Can we talk about a few aesthetic things in novels? Yes, let's. For one, the chapter titles. The first short story called chapters "bites", as in "Bite One", "Bite Two", etc. The third one called the chapters "sips", and the second had chapters named after blood types, "Type A", "Type B", "Type O", etc. It was the most annoying tying of all time, because I could tell the author thought she was really clever and hilarious, as with the short stories and yes, even the title of the book. Just...ugh.
The author was also fond of making pop culture references. A few of these are okay (though admittedly weird in an alternate universe), but she went over the top. Constant references to Twilight and Buffy the Vampire Slayer just seemed weird and out of place in a vampire novel. I don't know, it grated on me.
Not to mention the incredibly irritating characters, particularly Angelina, the complete lack of realism (yes, I know it's a vampire romance novel, but there still needs to be some iota of realism.), and the somewhat conflicting vampire lore (why didn't Ian know about vampires in the alternate universe, if vampires were already "out"?) really got to me and made this a terrible, awful book.
I leave you with the cover, for your consideration:
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| REALLY? |
Monday, October 24, 2011
Call Me
One thing I've noticed about contemporary romance novels is that the characters are either likable and cute or super-duper trashy. The cute romance novels are the ones I tend to like, and the trashy ones are the ones I tend to write blog posts about. So three guesses as to which category Call Me falls into, and the first two don't count.
The premise of Call Me is the typical "two people who are best friends fall in love" with the added "and have copious sexytimes". Dylan and Kayla are neighbors who are also best friends. Dylan, we learn, is a total neat freak and workaholic, whereas Kayla is...a totally unlikable weirdo. She's apparently a total genius with electronics, but the only proof of that we have is the stated fact that she wired all of Dylan's electronics together once. Oh, and she built a sex toy. More on that later. Anyway, she's also completely colorblind and otherwise unstylish: we often see her in orange sweatpants with a green sweatshirt. Charming. And totally sexy. I mean, I understand what the author was going for: unstylish people can still be sexy, or whatever, but it gets a little unbelievable that she is literally THE HOTTEST THING Dylan has ever come across, even in her complete unsexyness.
So. Kayla comes up with this awesome idea for a sex toy, an anal vibrator for men called the Walnut Wand. Oh, you thought this romance novel couldn't get classier? No worries, it does. She asks Dylan to try it out for her, but he is vehemently NOT GAY and therefore refuses. So Kayla does what any logical thinking woman would do: she places a bet on their monthly poker game. If she wins, Dylan has a gay experience with a vibrator. If he wins, she does whatever he wants. No way this could go wrong, right?
Well, it does. Obviously. Kayla loses, and Dylan decides it's time to make his move. He orders her to go upstairs and call him for phone sex. Um, okay. So up she goes to her apartment, and they start having phone sex. But then it gets to be too much for poor Dylan, and he runs upstairs and they start having sex like bunnies.
Kayla is the best at sex. I don't think they actually describe any of the actual sex, just that it was awesome and they played with sex toys and had lots of kinky sex. This will continue throughout the rest of the novel, don't worry. Kayla and Dylan have sex constantly. When they're not together, they're having phone sex. Seriously. It's not even sexy. It's kind of gross. There's a moment where Dylan's coworker tells him his office smells like a teenager's bedroom. Charming.
Anyway. Plot. Dylan is out as a test subject for the Walnut Wand (so named because it's a wand, and it's designed to stimulate the prostate, which is roughly the size of a walnut. Oh, Kayla. You so clever.), so Kayla has to find new ones. Luckily, her best friend works at a sex shop! Remember how classy these people are? She's only doing it to put herself through college, and she's a cashier, not a performer, but still. A sex shop was the only place she could find a job? Really?
Kayla's friend has the perfect solution to her problem: college students! They're poor, they're sex-starved, they're willing to be in studies...BEST SOLUTION EVER! So, against Dylan's will (he doesn't want random men coming to her apartment, that is NOT SAFE. And Dylan, being super-romantic, is incredibly overprotective of Kayla. Even though given her wardrobe, he doesn't have much to worry about.), Kayla agrees to hire some college students to try out her anal vibrator. When Dylan finds out they're at her apartment for preliminary interviews, he freaks the fuck out and charges in to stop them, to Kayla's embarrassment and anger. Really, Dylan, if you would just use the frakking vibrator you wouldn't have these problems. Seriously.
Kayla and Dylan, surprisingly, have a fight about this. She's mad because he's being unsupportive. He's mad because no, he's not, he's just taking care of her (SPOILERS: Kayla is right). Then it happens: they break up.
Dylan spends the next several weeks moping. His coworker notices. His bitchy secretary notices. His coworker's secretary/love interest even notices. She, however, is the only one to do anything about it. Well, not intentionally. She's taking her daughter (she's a single mom, so conflict with Dylan's coworker in the future!) to the park when she notices a despondent Kayla sitting on a bench. Even though they've never really met before, she sits down to ask what's wrong. Tragedy of tragedies! No one wants to invest in Kayla's product! Because, you know, no one wants to invest in sex toys. They're gross. And not at all lucrative. I mean, come on.
Secretary (whose name I have completely forgotten) reports to Dylan, and he realizes he's made a horrible mistake. So, despite the fact that there has been NO RESOLUTION WHATSOEVER, he decides to invest his life savings in Kayla's Walnut Wand and apologize to her. Kayla, being the weak heroine she is, totally falls for all this and believes Dylan has really changed. He even proposes to her! Now he'll truly be the supportive man Kayla's always wanted him to be!
Except no, not really at all. When it comes time to decide where they're going to live, Kayla wants to stay in her apartment, where all her stuff for inventing is set up the way she likes it. Dylan wants to stay in his apartment, because it's more nicely decorated. They decide to play poker for it. Since Kayla is a woman, she loses, and they end up living in Dylan's apartment and planning their wedding.
The epilogue, of course, has nothing to do with the rest of the novel. Instead of showing them living happily ever after, it sets up the sequel, with Dylan's coworker and his hot secretary. So that was a disappointment.
The moral of this romance novel? If you're a girl and you dress like this:
Or a workaholic asshole, you, too, can find happiness! At least for a short period of time, before your general assholery drives away your fashion-challenged true love.
The premise of Call Me is the typical "two people who are best friends fall in love" with the added "and have copious sexytimes". Dylan and Kayla are neighbors who are also best friends. Dylan, we learn, is a total neat freak and workaholic, whereas Kayla is...a totally unlikable weirdo. She's apparently a total genius with electronics, but the only proof of that we have is the stated fact that she wired all of Dylan's electronics together once. Oh, and she built a sex toy. More on that later. Anyway, she's also completely colorblind and otherwise unstylish: we often see her in orange sweatpants with a green sweatshirt. Charming. And totally sexy. I mean, I understand what the author was going for: unstylish people can still be sexy, or whatever, but it gets a little unbelievable that she is literally THE HOTTEST THING Dylan has ever come across, even in her complete unsexyness.
So. Kayla comes up with this awesome idea for a sex toy, an anal vibrator for men called the Walnut Wand. Oh, you thought this romance novel couldn't get classier? No worries, it does. She asks Dylan to try it out for her, but he is vehemently NOT GAY and therefore refuses. So Kayla does what any logical thinking woman would do: she places a bet on their monthly poker game. If she wins, Dylan has a gay experience with a vibrator. If he wins, she does whatever he wants. No way this could go wrong, right?
Well, it does. Obviously. Kayla loses, and Dylan decides it's time to make his move. He orders her to go upstairs and call him for phone sex. Um, okay. So up she goes to her apartment, and they start having phone sex. But then it gets to be too much for poor Dylan, and he runs upstairs and they start having sex like bunnies.
Kayla is the best at sex. I don't think they actually describe any of the actual sex, just that it was awesome and they played with sex toys and had lots of kinky sex. This will continue throughout the rest of the novel, don't worry. Kayla and Dylan have sex constantly. When they're not together, they're having phone sex. Seriously. It's not even sexy. It's kind of gross. There's a moment where Dylan's coworker tells him his office smells like a teenager's bedroom. Charming.
Anyway. Plot. Dylan is out as a test subject for the Walnut Wand (so named because it's a wand, and it's designed to stimulate the prostate, which is roughly the size of a walnut. Oh, Kayla. You so clever.), so Kayla has to find new ones. Luckily, her best friend works at a sex shop! Remember how classy these people are? She's only doing it to put herself through college, and she's a cashier, not a performer, but still. A sex shop was the only place she could find a job? Really?
Kayla's friend has the perfect solution to her problem: college students! They're poor, they're sex-starved, they're willing to be in studies...BEST SOLUTION EVER! So, against Dylan's will (he doesn't want random men coming to her apartment, that is NOT SAFE. And Dylan, being super-romantic, is incredibly overprotective of Kayla. Even though given her wardrobe, he doesn't have much to worry about.), Kayla agrees to hire some college students to try out her anal vibrator. When Dylan finds out they're at her apartment for preliminary interviews, he freaks the fuck out and charges in to stop them, to Kayla's embarrassment and anger. Really, Dylan, if you would just use the frakking vibrator you wouldn't have these problems. Seriously.
Kayla and Dylan, surprisingly, have a fight about this. She's mad because he's being unsupportive. He's mad because no, he's not, he's just taking care of her (SPOILERS: Kayla is right). Then it happens: they break up.
Dylan spends the next several weeks moping. His coworker notices. His bitchy secretary notices. His coworker's secretary/love interest even notices. She, however, is the only one to do anything about it. Well, not intentionally. She's taking her daughter (she's a single mom, so conflict with Dylan's coworker in the future!) to the park when she notices a despondent Kayla sitting on a bench. Even though they've never really met before, she sits down to ask what's wrong. Tragedy of tragedies! No one wants to invest in Kayla's product! Because, you know, no one wants to invest in sex toys. They're gross. And not at all lucrative. I mean, come on.
Secretary (whose name I have completely forgotten) reports to Dylan, and he realizes he's made a horrible mistake. So, despite the fact that there has been NO RESOLUTION WHATSOEVER, he decides to invest his life savings in Kayla's Walnut Wand and apologize to her. Kayla, being the weak heroine she is, totally falls for all this and believes Dylan has really changed. He even proposes to her! Now he'll truly be the supportive man Kayla's always wanted him to be!
Except no, not really at all. When it comes time to decide where they're going to live, Kayla wants to stay in her apartment, where all her stuff for inventing is set up the way she likes it. Dylan wants to stay in his apartment, because it's more nicely decorated. They decide to play poker for it. Since Kayla is a woman, she loses, and they end up living in Dylan's apartment and planning their wedding.
The epilogue, of course, has nothing to do with the rest of the novel. Instead of showing them living happily ever after, it sets up the sequel, with Dylan's coworker and his hot secretary. So that was a disappointment.
The moral of this romance novel? If you're a girl and you dress like this:
Or a workaholic asshole, you, too, can find happiness! At least for a short period of time, before your general assholery drives away your fashion-challenged true love.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Slave
Slave was basically the inspiration for this blog. You might think it was the were-cougars book I wrote about on my regular blog about a year ago, but it wasn't. Yes, that novel was ridiculous, ridiculous enough to warrant a blog post (and possibly a second one, if Patty gets her way), but it was nothing, nothing compared to Slave.
Slave is, as far as I can tell, self-published. I say this for multiple reasons:
We open with the narrator, whom we'll call Overemphasis, in her spaceship. We learn many things about her. She is the ugly older sister of a delicate beauty who, several years ago, was kidnapped and sold into slavery on her watch. Too ashamed to face her parents, who loved her sister more than her (because she was prettier and more ladylike, etc., etc., and bullshit), Overemphasis sailed away on her spaceship on a mission to find her sister. Since then, she's been traveling the universe.
Now, however, Overemphasis has run into a problem. She's tracked her sister to a planet where women are forbidden from traveling alone. We'll call this Planet Anti-Feminism. In order to get to Planet Anti-Feminism, Overemphasis needs a man to take her on a chain. Kinky. So she stops by a slave planet to purchase a man, whom she will keep until she's found her sister and then will release, because she's a good person. Either way, lots of kinky potential (which, by the way, is the name of my band).
So here's Overemphasis, on Slave Planet, looking at an uber-sexy man with a giant penis. He's naked, which is why she knows about his penis. His penis is magical. We hear a lot about his penis. But for now, Overemphasis simply wants to buy him. She's disguised as a man, which means she's wearing her spacesuit with the helmet on, which no one finds even remotely weird for some reason. Possibly because the planet smells bad. I don't remember. Anyway, Overemphasis is super attracted to Mr. Magic Penis, mostly because of the aforementioned member. Magic Penis senses this, as evidenced by the raging erection he then gets. Charming. No worries, it does indeed get classier than this.
Overemphasis buys Magic Penis as a slave, and then they get into some sort of argument, I think because he doesn't want to be a slave and refuses to understand that she totally has a plan for all this? Either way, he leaves, and then comes back when Overemphasis gets attacked and saves her life. Or maybe she saves his? I don't remember. The important thing is, they fly off together in Overemphasis' spaceship.
At this point, we learn a little more about Overemphasis and Planet Anti-Feminism. As I've already mentioned, women are not allowed to travel alone. They must be chained to a man at all times. Moreover, the women wear these sheer dresses so they're basically naked while men wear Renaissance clothing with giant holes in the crotch so their penises can just hang out. This facilitates the blowjobs their slave-women must give them whenever they get upset. Aw, what a classy planet (that is the point, of course. Overemphasis is very anti-Planet Anti-Feminism, but she has to go there to rescue her sister. Otherwise, she wouldn't be doing this)!
Magic Penis, meanwhile, totally comes onto Overemphasis at this time. This is also when we learn that Overemphasis is your typical romance novel not-pretty: rather than six feet tall, leggy, and blonde, she's short, curvy, and dark-haired. OMG SO UNIQUE YOU NEVER SEE THAT IN A ROMANCE NOVEL except wait you see that all the frakking time. Naturally, Magic Penis is enormously attracted to her. But Overemphasis does not want to sleep with him, because she's not that kind of girl (make your own comments here).
I don't remember a whole lot of this novel very vividly, but I do remember Overemphasis and Magic Penis' first day on Planet Anti-Feminism quite clearly. The reason, I hope, will be clear in a moment. Basically, they land on Planet Anti-Feminism, masquerading as a man and his kinky slave woman, and immediately they're questioned by the locals. They end up going to a bar, wherein follows one of the weirdest scenes I have ever read in my life. Magic Penis sits at one end of the table, getting blowjobs from about fifteen different locals, while Overemphasis at the other end has male locals ejaculating on her nose (which is sexy to them, because the women on Planet Anti-Feminism have flat noses, and Overemphasis is quite exotic). So yeah. Let that image sink in. At the end of this scene, Overemphasis complains that her nose is sore. It made me laugh, anyway.
Later that same (?) night, Overemphasis and Magic Penis finally have sex. It is the best sex ever, bar none. Rolling orgasms, screaming pleasure, etc., etc. And then comes the second scene I remember quite vividly. Overemphasis wakes up the next morning to the feel of something stroking her face. Aw, you think, he's being so sweet. But then she opens her eyes and no, it's not his hand, it's his penis. Yes, his penis has separate control muscles, and he is using them to stroke her face with it. Suddenly "sweet" turns into "OMG EW WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!?!" Except for Overemphasis, who finds it charming.
I think at this point Magic Penis asks her for a blowjob, which she has refused before because, again, she's not that kind of girl. Except oh wait! yes she is. After this beautiful display of penis flexibility, she's totally into it. And that's when she discovers the best alien thing about Magic Penis: his magic penis juice. See, because he's an alien, Magic Penis produces this fluid on his horse penis that gives orgasms on contact. It is MAGICAL. Overemphasis contemplates bottling and selling it. She'd make a fortune! And that wouldn't be using Magic Penis at all! It's a totally healthy step in their relationship!
Anyway, a bunch of other shit happens that I don't really remember. They take some horses through the forest, have sex again (or maybe that was the first time...again, it's been like, months), get attacked by some paralyzing insects, which they escape, and finally find Overemphasis' beautiful sister. But alas! the beautiful, willowy sister is no longer beautiful, because she's been so horribly abused. Good for Overemphasis, I suppose, since now there's no danger of Magic Penis falling in love with her instead.
Willowy sister tells her tragic story: she was abused by many a slave-owner, until she was bought by her current husband, a really nice man despite the fact that he lives on Planet Anti-Feminism and therefore is completely antifeminist. That's when the truth about Planet Anti-Feminism (which, by the way, I figured out around 10% of the way into the novel) comes out: it's not the women who are chained to the men, it's the men who are chained to the women! See, a very long time ago, Planet Anti-Feminism was constantly at war. The men were so angry all the time that everything was violence and destruction. So the women decided they were sick of that shit and chained the men up. Every time the men started getting angry, they'd give them a blowjob to make them feel better, and all those violent tendencies would go away. Thus, the women of Planet Anti-Feminism have maintained peace for centuries, in a way that is neither demeaning to men NOR to women! Awww, yeah.
Anyway, Willowy Sister deigns to stay on Planet Anti-Feminism with her husband, unborn child, and sister wives, and Overemphasis and Magic Penis sail away happily, planning a happy life of exploiting the other's bodily fluids (on Overemphasis' end) and having multiple sexytimes per day (Magic Penis)(and probably Overemphasis, let's be honest). THE END.
Do I need to write a concluding statement here? Oh, I do? Well, here it is:
WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.
(No worries, ladies and gentlemen, a companion novel was offered free a couple of months later, so you have that to look forward to. Until then, however...ponder this. Ponder it very deeply, and then kill yourself because this person got published and you still haven't been.)
Slave is, as far as I can tell, self-published. I say this for multiple reasons:
- The characters are ridiculous. By which I mean the main character/narrator, who talks like a twelve-year-old, with exclamation points after-- quite literally-- every other sentence. This is not something one sees in published books. Not even books published for twelve-year-olds.
- General style. Apart from the overuse of exclamation points, the whole book reads like a NaNoWriMo novel. And not in a good way.
- I don't want to believe this is a published novel. I refuse to believe there is a publishing house that would print this kind of bullshit. I have no desire to research it and prove myself wrong (upon which moment I will either kill myself or submit my first drafts to these publishing houses, because apparently they'll publish anything).
We open with the narrator, whom we'll call Overemphasis, in her spaceship. We learn many things about her. She is the ugly older sister of a delicate beauty who, several years ago, was kidnapped and sold into slavery on her watch. Too ashamed to face her parents, who loved her sister more than her (because she was prettier and more ladylike, etc., etc., and bullshit), Overemphasis sailed away on her spaceship on a mission to find her sister. Since then, she's been traveling the universe.
Now, however, Overemphasis has run into a problem. She's tracked her sister to a planet where women are forbidden from traveling alone. We'll call this Planet Anti-Feminism. In order to get to Planet Anti-Feminism, Overemphasis needs a man to take her on a chain. Kinky. So she stops by a slave planet to purchase a man, whom she will keep until she's found her sister and then will release, because she's a good person. Either way, lots of kinky potential (which, by the way, is the name of my band).
So here's Overemphasis, on Slave Planet, looking at an uber-sexy man with a giant penis. He's naked, which is why she knows about his penis. His penis is magical. We hear a lot about his penis. But for now, Overemphasis simply wants to buy him. She's disguised as a man, which means she's wearing her spacesuit with the helmet on, which no one finds even remotely weird for some reason. Possibly because the planet smells bad. I don't remember. Anyway, Overemphasis is super attracted to Mr. Magic Penis, mostly because of the aforementioned member. Magic Penis senses this, as evidenced by the raging erection he then gets. Charming. No worries, it does indeed get classier than this.
Overemphasis buys Magic Penis as a slave, and then they get into some sort of argument, I think because he doesn't want to be a slave and refuses to understand that she totally has a plan for all this? Either way, he leaves, and then comes back when Overemphasis gets attacked and saves her life. Or maybe she saves his? I don't remember. The important thing is, they fly off together in Overemphasis' spaceship.
At this point, we learn a little more about Overemphasis and Planet Anti-Feminism. As I've already mentioned, women are not allowed to travel alone. They must be chained to a man at all times. Moreover, the women wear these sheer dresses so they're basically naked while men wear Renaissance clothing with giant holes in the crotch so their penises can just hang out. This facilitates the blowjobs their slave-women must give them whenever they get upset. Aw, what a classy planet (that is the point, of course. Overemphasis is very anti-Planet Anti-Feminism, but she has to go there to rescue her sister. Otherwise, she wouldn't be doing this)!
Magic Penis, meanwhile, totally comes onto Overemphasis at this time. This is also when we learn that Overemphasis is your typical romance novel not-pretty: rather than six feet tall, leggy, and blonde, she's short, curvy, and dark-haired. OMG SO UNIQUE YOU NEVER SEE THAT IN A ROMANCE NOVEL except wait you see that all the frakking time. Naturally, Magic Penis is enormously attracted to her. But Overemphasis does not want to sleep with him, because she's not that kind of girl (make your own comments here).
I don't remember a whole lot of this novel very vividly, but I do remember Overemphasis and Magic Penis' first day on Planet Anti-Feminism quite clearly. The reason, I hope, will be clear in a moment. Basically, they land on Planet Anti-Feminism, masquerading as a man and his kinky slave woman, and immediately they're questioned by the locals. They end up going to a bar, wherein follows one of the weirdest scenes I have ever read in my life. Magic Penis sits at one end of the table, getting blowjobs from about fifteen different locals, while Overemphasis at the other end has male locals ejaculating on her nose (which is sexy to them, because the women on Planet Anti-Feminism have flat noses, and Overemphasis is quite exotic). So yeah. Let that image sink in. At the end of this scene, Overemphasis complains that her nose is sore. It made me laugh, anyway.
Later that same (?) night, Overemphasis and Magic Penis finally have sex. It is the best sex ever, bar none. Rolling orgasms, screaming pleasure, etc., etc. And then comes the second scene I remember quite vividly. Overemphasis wakes up the next morning to the feel of something stroking her face. Aw, you think, he's being so sweet. But then she opens her eyes and no, it's not his hand, it's his penis. Yes, his penis has separate control muscles, and he is using them to stroke her face with it. Suddenly "sweet" turns into "OMG EW WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!?!" Except for Overemphasis, who finds it charming.
I think at this point Magic Penis asks her for a blowjob, which she has refused before because, again, she's not that kind of girl. Except oh wait! yes she is. After this beautiful display of penis flexibility, she's totally into it. And that's when she discovers the best alien thing about Magic Penis: his magic penis juice. See, because he's an alien, Magic Penis produces this fluid on his horse penis that gives orgasms on contact. It is MAGICAL. Overemphasis contemplates bottling and selling it. She'd make a fortune! And that wouldn't be using Magic Penis at all! It's a totally healthy step in their relationship!
Anyway, a bunch of other shit happens that I don't really remember. They take some horses through the forest, have sex again (or maybe that was the first time...again, it's been like, months), get attacked by some paralyzing insects, which they escape, and finally find Overemphasis' beautiful sister. But alas! the beautiful, willowy sister is no longer beautiful, because she's been so horribly abused. Good for Overemphasis, I suppose, since now there's no danger of Magic Penis falling in love with her instead.
Willowy sister tells her tragic story: she was abused by many a slave-owner, until she was bought by her current husband, a really nice man despite the fact that he lives on Planet Anti-Feminism and therefore is completely antifeminist. That's when the truth about Planet Anti-Feminism (which, by the way, I figured out around 10% of the way into the novel) comes out: it's not the women who are chained to the men, it's the men who are chained to the women! See, a very long time ago, Planet Anti-Feminism was constantly at war. The men were so angry all the time that everything was violence and destruction. So the women decided they were sick of that shit and chained the men up. Every time the men started getting angry, they'd give them a blowjob to make them feel better, and all those violent tendencies would go away. Thus, the women of Planet Anti-Feminism have maintained peace for centuries, in a way that is neither demeaning to men NOR to women! Awww, yeah.
Anyway, Willowy Sister deigns to stay on Planet Anti-Feminism with her husband, unborn child, and sister wives, and Overemphasis and Magic Penis sail away happily, planning a happy life of exploiting the other's bodily fluids (on Overemphasis' end) and having multiple sexytimes per day (Magic Penis)(and probably Overemphasis, let's be honest). THE END.
Do I need to write a concluding statement here? Oh, I do? Well, here it is:
WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.
(No worries, ladies and gentlemen, a companion novel was offered free a couple of months later, so you have that to look forward to. Until then, however...ponder this. Ponder it very deeply, and then kill yourself because this person got published and you still haven't been.)
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
In the Garden of Temptation
What is one thing that romance novel readers love more than smut? That's right, Regency-era smut. Why? Probably because of the whole forbidden atmosphere of it, not to mention the Mr. Darcy-ism of the various romantic interests. Someday I would like to write an entire post on historical romance novels and why the periods in which they are generally written are so popular, but it is not this day. Today, I am here with a sole purpose: a somewhat mocking review of In the Garden of Temptation by Cynthia Wicklund.
In the Garden of Temptation starts out with Catherine, the meek heroine, being emotionally/psychologically abused by her husband. He is a complete douchebag. We know this, because the author tells us so. Poor Catherine lives a hard life: her husband is a complete miser, so all their wealth is locked away, she lives in a castle all by herself, her husband dresses her like a whore, and every once and a while she has to entertain his seedy friends for him. Which, by the way, is the topic of tonight's dinner conversation! Edgar (the husband) is inviting some earl to come look at his miraculous horses! Catherine's job is to entertain him. Catherine is not pleased. Edgar is maliciously pleased by her displeasure. This is a healthy relationship.
Next we meet love interest Adam. Adam is the only son of a socialite mother (if you can call someone who throws fabulous parties once a year a socialite). He is young, unmarried, but totally into sexing up the ladies, because that is how men in romance novels, particularly of the historical variety, are. Tonight is his mother's usual one party of the year, and there's a horrible uninvited guest! It's none other than Edgar, poor Catherine's douchebag husband. Adam's mother demands he throw Edgar out, but when the confrontation occurs, Edgar states his offer: Adam can come visit his house and see if he wants to buy his miraculous horses. Adam likes horses, and is so tempted by the idea of these magical beasts that he agrees. Edgar leaves, and soon it's off to his house for Adam!
Now, a word on these magical horses. They're not, unfortunately, actually magical. This is a realistic historical romance. They are, however, identical twin gray horses who are beautiful and perfect in every way. Like I said, realistic. Magical horses would have been slightly more believable, I think. Anyway, their names are Cain and Abel (see what he did there?), and Edgar actually doesn't want to sell them. What?? Why did he invited Adam out there, then? No worries, all will be revealed in time.
Adam arrives at Castle Bourgeault (which may or may not have an actual name...I may or may not care) and the first thing he sees is a STUNNING PARAGON OF ANGELIC BEAUTY. This, of course, is Catherine, who is out in the garden, wearing a simple peasant dress that seems to be her only alternative to sexy whore-dresses. Catherine is blond-haired, blue-eyed (okay, I don't actually remember what color her eyes were, but it's a solid guess), and big-boobed. These, of course, are the most important characteristics of a beautiful woman. Catherine, however, feels like being mysterious when Adam flirts with her, and leads him to believe she's just a servant he can sleep with later. Imagine his surprise when he comes to dinner only to discover her in full strumpet-garb! Catherine is his super-sexy hostess! He can't sleep with HER!
Edgar, however, seems to have other plans. He continually forces the two of them together, almost as if he WANTS them to sleep together. So, when they go out for a ride the next day, Catherine takes Adam to her secret garden, where they have a picnic. In the midst of this picnic, they start making out, and before they know it, they're having sex right there on their picnic blanket. Picnic sex in a secret grove: isn't that everyone's dream? It was certainly Bella Swan's...just sayin'.
Now you know how there's that moment in books/movies where if the characters had just done one thing, all their problems would have been solved? Like in I Am Legend, where if Will Smith had just given the zombie back his girlfriend, he wouldn't have had any of those problems? Well, this is that moment. See, Catherine is secretly a virgin. WHAT?? But she's been married for, like, ever! How is this even possible? No worries, all will be revealed in time. Anyway, Catherine doesn't mention her virginity to Adam, and Adam, upon finding blood on his pants later, assumes that he merely fucked Catherine so hard her period started. Science, ladies and gentlemen! Anyway, as a result, they never discuss this with each other, and thus begin all their problems.
Adam leaves and goes back to London. This is probably for the best, as far as Catherine's marriage goes. However, there's a problem, namely that Catherine is not pregnant. Why would this be a problem? We'll find out! But anyway, Edgar decides to remedy this by taking Catherine to town for the first time ever. In all her sexy clothes, which are inappropriate for polite company. How could this possibly go wrong?
Of course Catherine and Adam can't keep their hands off each other. I mean, duh. So they develop this secret love nest and have sex like bunnies all the fucking time. Oh, and they're being followed by Edgar's creepy-ass servant (or creepy ass-servant, depending on your point of view). And then, tragedy strikes. And by tragedy, I mean pregnancy. That's right, Catherine's pregnant, and it's NOT EDGAR'S BABY.
I shall take this moment to point out that during the course of this relationship, Adam and Catherine never ONCE mentioned the bloody pants incident. So Adam is still under the impression that the sheer intensity of his sexytimes brought on Catherine's period, and Catherine is just keeping her mouth shut. Which is probably healthy. Again.
Anyway, back to the present. Edgar finds out about the baby and tells Catherine she has to break up with Adam and come back to their lonely estate with their magic twin horses. It's possible he threatens to kill Adam...I don't really remember. Either way, they have a tearful breakup, and Catherine goes back home.
Fast forward however many months. Let's say nine, for the sake of argument. Catherine has a beautiful daughter, and she's super happy. Edgar is not. Edgar wanted her to have a boy, so he could inherit. Now Catherine's in big trouble, and this time Edgar has a real threat: if she doesn't have a son with the next man who comes to visit, he'll kill her daughter.
Fortunately for all involved, the next man to visit is Adam's best friend, who just happened to be in the area and wanted to see what was up with the girl who broke his bestie's heart. Catherine comes onto him, and once he gets over his "What the fuck??" reaction and stops her, she explains what's been going on. The bestie realizes he must go tell Adam that he's a father and end this ridiculous farce of a marriage (/romance novel).
Adam is enraged! He rides his horse super-fast to Edgar's house and confronts him about his general ridiculous. Now the truth comes out: Edgar is extremely germaphobic. EXTREMELY. He can't touch anyone, ever. Hence, he has never ever had sex with his wife. Problem: he wants an heir. Therefore, he continually invited sleazeballs to his house to have sex with her and get her knocked up. At this point, there is some form of conflict, and Edgar starts to fall down the stairs. Adam holds out his hand to help, but Edgar refuses to touch anyone. So he falls down the stairs and dies. It's tragic. And by tragic, I mean no one cares.
Adam and Catherine are now free to be together with their lovechild. Which is awesome. Edgar's brother, who has inherited the estate, shows up. As it so happens, they're identical twins. Creepy, right? He is completely okay with Adam having, for all intents and purposes, killed his brother, and explains that everything Edgar did was okay. See, when he was little, his cousin molested him, and because of that he was messed up. That makes him a sympathetic character, right?
Then we have a cute little flash forward to a year later, when Adam and Catherine are happily married and just returning from their tour of Europe with their daughter (whose name I don't remember). She's pregnant with their first legitimate child! And now they've been away for long enough that people will stop gossiping about the fact that they had their child while Catherine was married to another man, caused said man's death, and then got married later. A year or so is long enough for that gossip to go stale, right? Oh, and Edgar's brother gave them the magic horses, so they've got that going on, too. Yep, they're living the life now. Happy endings ahoy!
So it's been a while since I read this, and I don't really remember all the details (obviously). What I will say is that this COULD have been a halfway decent romance novel. I actually liked the characters, and I thought their romance was passable. However, there was simply TOO MUCH PLOT. Romance novels are not for plot. They go like this: meet, sex, fight, makeup sex. You don't need all this creepy other shit. Also, I'm sorry, I'm all for love and all, but affairs are not acceptable. No matter how in love you are.
In short, this was not the most ridiculous Regency-era romance I have ever read, but neither was it the best. I give it a solid "Meh."
In the Garden of Temptation starts out with Catherine, the meek heroine, being emotionally/psychologically abused by her husband. He is a complete douchebag. We know this, because the author tells us so. Poor Catherine lives a hard life: her husband is a complete miser, so all their wealth is locked away, she lives in a castle all by herself, her husband dresses her like a whore, and every once and a while she has to entertain his seedy friends for him. Which, by the way, is the topic of tonight's dinner conversation! Edgar (the husband) is inviting some earl to come look at his miraculous horses! Catherine's job is to entertain him. Catherine is not pleased. Edgar is maliciously pleased by her displeasure. This is a healthy relationship.
Next we meet love interest Adam. Adam is the only son of a socialite mother (if you can call someone who throws fabulous parties once a year a socialite). He is young, unmarried, but totally into sexing up the ladies, because that is how men in romance novels, particularly of the historical variety, are. Tonight is his mother's usual one party of the year, and there's a horrible uninvited guest! It's none other than Edgar, poor Catherine's douchebag husband. Adam's mother demands he throw Edgar out, but when the confrontation occurs, Edgar states his offer: Adam can come visit his house and see if he wants to buy his miraculous horses. Adam likes horses, and is so tempted by the idea of these magical beasts that he agrees. Edgar leaves, and soon it's off to his house for Adam!
Now, a word on these magical horses. They're not, unfortunately, actually magical. This is a realistic historical romance. They are, however, identical twin gray horses who are beautiful and perfect in every way. Like I said, realistic. Magical horses would have been slightly more believable, I think. Anyway, their names are Cain and Abel (see what he did there?), and Edgar actually doesn't want to sell them. What?? Why did he invited Adam out there, then? No worries, all will be revealed in time.
Adam arrives at Castle Bourgeault (which may or may not have an actual name...I may or may not care) and the first thing he sees is a STUNNING PARAGON OF ANGELIC BEAUTY. This, of course, is Catherine, who is out in the garden, wearing a simple peasant dress that seems to be her only alternative to sexy whore-dresses. Catherine is blond-haired, blue-eyed (okay, I don't actually remember what color her eyes were, but it's a solid guess), and big-boobed. These, of course, are the most important characteristics of a beautiful woman. Catherine, however, feels like being mysterious when Adam flirts with her, and leads him to believe she's just a servant he can sleep with later. Imagine his surprise when he comes to dinner only to discover her in full strumpet-garb! Catherine is his super-sexy hostess! He can't sleep with HER!
Edgar, however, seems to have other plans. He continually forces the two of them together, almost as if he WANTS them to sleep together. So, when they go out for a ride the next day, Catherine takes Adam to her secret garden, where they have a picnic. In the midst of this picnic, they start making out, and before they know it, they're having sex right there on their picnic blanket. Picnic sex in a secret grove: isn't that everyone's dream? It was certainly Bella Swan's...just sayin'.
Now you know how there's that moment in books/movies where if the characters had just done one thing, all their problems would have been solved? Like in I Am Legend, where if Will Smith had just given the zombie back his girlfriend, he wouldn't have had any of those problems? Well, this is that moment. See, Catherine is secretly a virgin. WHAT?? But she's been married for, like, ever! How is this even possible? No worries, all will be revealed in time. Anyway, Catherine doesn't mention her virginity to Adam, and Adam, upon finding blood on his pants later, assumes that he merely fucked Catherine so hard her period started. Science, ladies and gentlemen! Anyway, as a result, they never discuss this with each other, and thus begin all their problems.
Adam leaves and goes back to London. This is probably for the best, as far as Catherine's marriage goes. However, there's a problem, namely that Catherine is not pregnant. Why would this be a problem? We'll find out! But anyway, Edgar decides to remedy this by taking Catherine to town for the first time ever. In all her sexy clothes, which are inappropriate for polite company. How could this possibly go wrong?
Of course Catherine and Adam can't keep their hands off each other. I mean, duh. So they develop this secret love nest and have sex like bunnies all the fucking time. Oh, and they're being followed by Edgar's creepy-ass servant (or creepy ass-servant, depending on your point of view). And then, tragedy strikes. And by tragedy, I mean pregnancy. That's right, Catherine's pregnant, and it's NOT EDGAR'S BABY.
I shall take this moment to point out that during the course of this relationship, Adam and Catherine never ONCE mentioned the bloody pants incident. So Adam is still under the impression that the sheer intensity of his sexytimes brought on Catherine's period, and Catherine is just keeping her mouth shut. Which is probably healthy. Again.
Anyway, back to the present. Edgar finds out about the baby and tells Catherine she has to break up with Adam and come back to their lonely estate with their magic twin horses. It's possible he threatens to kill Adam...I don't really remember. Either way, they have a tearful breakup, and Catherine goes back home.
Fast forward however many months. Let's say nine, for the sake of argument. Catherine has a beautiful daughter, and she's super happy. Edgar is not. Edgar wanted her to have a boy, so he could inherit. Now Catherine's in big trouble, and this time Edgar has a real threat: if she doesn't have a son with the next man who comes to visit, he'll kill her daughter.
Fortunately for all involved, the next man to visit is Adam's best friend, who just happened to be in the area and wanted to see what was up with the girl who broke his bestie's heart. Catherine comes onto him, and once he gets over his "What the fuck??" reaction and stops her, she explains what's been going on. The bestie realizes he must go tell Adam that he's a father and end this ridiculous farce of a marriage (/romance novel).
Adam is enraged! He rides his horse super-fast to Edgar's house and confronts him about his general ridiculous. Now the truth comes out: Edgar is extremely germaphobic. EXTREMELY. He can't touch anyone, ever. Hence, he has never ever had sex with his wife. Problem: he wants an heir. Therefore, he continually invited sleazeballs to his house to have sex with her and get her knocked up. At this point, there is some form of conflict, and Edgar starts to fall down the stairs. Adam holds out his hand to help, but Edgar refuses to touch anyone. So he falls down the stairs and dies. It's tragic. And by tragic, I mean no one cares.
Adam and Catherine are now free to be together with their lovechild. Which is awesome. Edgar's brother, who has inherited the estate, shows up. As it so happens, they're identical twins. Creepy, right? He is completely okay with Adam having, for all intents and purposes, killed his brother, and explains that everything Edgar did was okay. See, when he was little, his cousin molested him, and because of that he was messed up. That makes him a sympathetic character, right?
Then we have a cute little flash forward to a year later, when Adam and Catherine are happily married and just returning from their tour of Europe with their daughter (whose name I don't remember). She's pregnant with their first legitimate child! And now they've been away for long enough that people will stop gossiping about the fact that they had their child while Catherine was married to another man, caused said man's death, and then got married later. A year or so is long enough for that gossip to go stale, right? Oh, and Edgar's brother gave them the magic horses, so they've got that going on, too. Yep, they're living the life now. Happy endings ahoy!
So it's been a while since I read this, and I don't really remember all the details (obviously). What I will say is that this COULD have been a halfway decent romance novel. I actually liked the characters, and I thought their romance was passable. However, there was simply TOO MUCH PLOT. Romance novels are not for plot. They go like this: meet, sex, fight, makeup sex. You don't need all this creepy other shit. Also, I'm sorry, I'm all for love and all, but affairs are not acceptable. No matter how in love you are.
In short, this was not the most ridiculous Regency-era romance I have ever read, but neither was it the best. I give it a solid "Meh."
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