Call Me

One thing I've noticed about contemporary romance novels is that the characters are either likable and cute or super-duper trashy. The cute romance novels are the ones I tend to like, and the trashy ones are the ones I tend to write blog posts about. So three guesses as to which category Call Me falls into, and the first two don't count.

The premise of Call Me is the typical "two people who are best friends fall in love" with the added "and have copious sexytimes". Dylan and Kayla are neighbors who are also best friends. Dylan, we learn, is a total neat freak and workaholic, whereas Kayla is...a totally unlikable weirdo. She's apparently a total genius with electronics, but the only proof of that we have is the stated fact that she wired all of Dylan's electronics together once. Oh, and she built a sex toy. More on that later. Anyway, she's also completely colorblind and otherwise unstylish: we often see her in orange sweatpants with a green sweatshirt. Charming. And totally sexy. I mean, I understand what the author was going for: unstylish people can still  be sexy, or whatever, but it gets a little unbelievable that she is literally THE HOTTEST THING Dylan has ever come across, even in her complete unsexyness.

So. Kayla comes up with this awesome idea for a sex toy, an anal vibrator for men called the Walnut Wand. Oh, you thought this romance novel couldn't get classier? No worries, it does. She asks Dylan to try it out for her, but he is vehemently NOT GAY and therefore refuses. So Kayla does what any logical thinking woman would do: she places a bet on their monthly poker game. If she wins, Dylan has a gay experience with a vibrator. If he wins, she does whatever he wants. No way this could go wrong, right?

Well, it does. Obviously. Kayla loses, and Dylan decides it's time to make his move. He orders her to go upstairs and call him for phone sex. Um, okay. So up she goes to her apartment, and they start having phone sex. But then it gets to be too much for poor Dylan, and he runs upstairs and they start having sex like bunnies.

Kayla is the best at sex. I don't think they actually describe any of the actual sex, just that it was awesome and they played with sex toys and had lots of kinky sex. This will continue throughout the rest of the novel, don't worry. Kayla and Dylan have sex constantly. When they're not together, they're having phone sex. Seriously. It's not even sexy. It's kind of gross. There's a moment where Dylan's coworker tells him his office smells like a teenager's bedroom. Charming.

Anyway. Plot. Dylan is out as a test subject for the Walnut Wand (so named because it's a wand, and it's designed to stimulate the prostate, which is roughly the size of a walnut. Oh, Kayla. You so clever.), so Kayla has to find new ones. Luckily, her best friend works at a sex shop! Remember how classy these people are? She's only doing it to put herself through college, and she's a cashier, not a performer, but still. A sex shop was the only place she could find a job? Really?

Kayla's friend has the perfect solution to her problem: college students! They're poor, they're sex-starved, they're willing to be in studies...BEST SOLUTION EVER! So, against Dylan's will (he doesn't want random men coming to her apartment, that is NOT SAFE. And Dylan, being super-romantic, is incredibly overprotective of Kayla. Even though given her wardrobe, he doesn't have much to worry about.), Kayla agrees to hire some college students to try out her anal vibrator. When Dylan finds out they're at her apartment for preliminary interviews, he freaks the fuck out and charges in to stop them, to Kayla's embarrassment and anger. Really, Dylan, if you would just use the frakking vibrator you wouldn't have these problems. Seriously.

Kayla and Dylan, surprisingly, have a fight about this. She's mad because he's being unsupportive. He's mad because no, he's not, he's just taking care of her (SPOILERS: Kayla is right). Then it happens: they break up.

Dylan spends the next several weeks moping. His coworker notices. His bitchy secretary notices. His coworker's secretary/love interest even notices. She, however, is the only one to do anything about it. Well, not intentionally. She's taking her daughter (she's a single mom, so conflict with Dylan's coworker in the future!) to the park when she notices a despondent Kayla sitting on a bench. Even though they've never really met before, she sits down to ask what's wrong. Tragedy of tragedies! No one wants to invest in Kayla's product! Because, you know, no one wants to invest in sex toys. They're gross. And not at all lucrative. I mean, come on.

Secretary (whose name I have completely forgotten) reports to Dylan, and he realizes he's made a horrible mistake. So, despite the fact that there has been NO RESOLUTION WHATSOEVER, he decides to invest his life savings in Kayla's Walnut Wand and apologize to her. Kayla, being the weak heroine she is, totally falls for all this and believes Dylan has really changed. He even proposes to her! Now he'll truly be the supportive man Kayla's always wanted him to be!

Except no, not really at all. When it comes time to decide where they're going to live, Kayla wants to stay in her apartment, where all her stuff for inventing is set up the way she likes it. Dylan wants to stay in his apartment, because it's more nicely decorated. They decide to play poker for it. Since Kayla is a woman, she loses, and they end up living in Dylan's apartment and planning their wedding.

The epilogue, of course, has nothing to do with the rest of the novel. Instead of showing them living happily ever after, it sets up the sequel, with Dylan's coworker and his hot secretary. So that was a disappointment.

The moral of this romance novel? If you're a girl and you dress like this:

Or a workaholic asshole, you, too, can find happiness! At least for a short period of time, before your general assholery drives away your fashion-challenged true love.

Long Hard Ride

Today's installment of Ridiculous Romance Novels is called Long Hard Ride by Lorelei James (which is probably her real name). As implied in the title, it's a cowboy romance. There are several things to comment on just from this bit of knowledge. I know I don't live out west, and I've never really been there, but are cowboys still a thing? I mean, I know there are rodeos, but are there really huge numbers of people that travel from city to city to participate in or watch them (much like NASCAR)? Also, what is it about cowboys that's considered so appealing to the modern woman? Is it the isolated lifestyle they're purported to live? The danger inherent in their profession? The implication that riding horses and bulls and what have you makes them really, really good at riding women? Questions to consider when you're having trouble sleeping or pulling an all-nighter for no good reason.

So this romance novel starts out with our heroine, Channing Kinkaide, participating in a wet T-shirt contest at a bar. I know, charming, right? You definitely want to get to know this girl. She wins, too, a huge trophy that she gets to take home with her. Are all the characters in this novel so classy, you ask? Why yes, yes they are.

So Channing gets beer sprayed on her chest, shows off her perky, G-cup boobs, and wins a trophy. Meanwhile, because this is from her POV, we learn that she's dating a guy named Jared. Jared is possessive and mean. We should not like Jared. We also learn that Channing is not a native wild, wild westerner. She hails from Boston, where her family are old money. She attended an unspecified Ivy League school and got her Master's (presumably also at the Ivy League level). However, during all those years of education, she neglected to take a single women's studies class, as will become increasingly evident throughout the course of the novel. Being a "spunky" heroine, Channing hated that lifestyle and came out to the country for one last summer of fun before returning home to a cushy private school teaching job her parents got her (how DARE they).

Next, through Channing, we are introduced to our hero, Colby McKay. This is confusing for two reasons:

Channing Tatum

Colbie Caillat

This threw me off multiple times.

Colby is a cowboy, the hottest cowboy EVER, and he rides around with two almost-as-hot-but-not-quite-his-equal cowboy buddies.Channing has heard of them. They do kinky things with women. All the time. (I would like to add that Colby's brothers are named Carter and Cord and his sister's name is Keely, and yet no one took his parents aside and said, "Hey, you guys, all your kids' names sound like soap opera characters." Worst. Cowboy friends. Ever.) Colby likes Channing. He takes her out to the dance floor and basically sexually assaults her. Then Jared appears. He is an asshole. And also Australian. Because the one thing Australians love to do is come to the United States and live the cowboy lifestyle. Suddenly, a random Native American appears! He will continually pop up throughout the novel, so remember him. His name is Cash. Cash returns Channing's wet T-shirt trophy and Jared's phone before informing Jared that his wife called. His what now?!?! Channing thinks. Well, that relationship's over. Channing cements this by bashing poor Jared over the head with her trophy. And why not?

Pobre Channing now has no money and nowhere to go. Luckily, sexy cowboys! Colby offers her a deal: come with him and his gang of traveling hotties for the next week. In return, all she has to do is have sex (all sorts) with all three of them. Naturally, being the liberal-minded, feminist icon that she is, Channing agrees to this arrangement.

Next follows some weird-ass interaction, weird partly because romance novel sex is always weird and partly because it's with a minimum of two guys at the same time. To prove that she is worthy of their undivided sexual attention, Channing must simultaneously blow Colby and jerk off Trevor, the only character in this novel with a normal name. Again, she's such a feminist icon! Later, they play the sexy version of pool 20 Questions. Have you ever played 20 Questions in a pool? Basically what you do is sit in the questionee's arms and ask them questions, but instead of a yes/no answer, you either remain upright or get dunked. We used to play that quite often when I was a kid. The sexy version involves much less swimming. Channing is tied to a motel room bed (all of the sex in this novel is motel sex. Which is gross for multiple reasons) and blindfolded while one guy pleasures her. Then she has to guess which one it is. If she's wrong, she gets spanked. It's a huge pleasure party that is not at all demeaning.

After Sexy 20 Questions, Trevor goes out to the trailer to check on the loser third cowboy, a Brazilian named Edgard. You know, that traditional Brazilian name. We don't see a lot of Edgard, but he seems slightly hostile toward Channing. What could possibly be wrong with him? Has he seen her boobs? Anyway, Trevor is gone all night. What on earth could that indicate? (SPOILERS: Trevor and Edgard are gay lovers. It comes as a huge shock to Channing and presumably to the reader later on. Except, I mean, come ON.)

Then there's a lot of driving, a lot of rodeo, and a lot more sexy times. Channing makes some new friends, including an older woman named Gemma, a woman whose name I forget but it might be Maggie, and Maggie's daughter who has some cutesy name like Daisy. Maggie and Daisy are not particularly important.

Then one day, at the rodeo, Colby falls off a bull! He is horribly injured and his hand swells up. You know what that means....Channing gets to play nurse! Apparently basic first aid was a skill she picked up at her Ivy League school (along with top-notch blowjobs, apparently), so she ices Colby down and confines him to a bunk in the trailer. Later, they have hot, sore trailer sex, and Channing does it with two men at the same time for the first time in her life! It's almost as exciting as the first time she tried anal!

Then Colby decides to get possessive. He tells Channing she's only supposed to have sex with HIM now. Then they have extremely violent sex, because both of them are so in love with each other, but somehow they both misinterpret it because the next day they're fighting. Don't question.

Meanwhile, Channing catches Edgard and Trevor having hot gay sex. Rather than be embarrassed and give them some privacy, she decides she's going to sit in the corner and watch (Voyeurism: also an Ivy League skill? Perhaps it's for the best I got rejected by Brown...). Then she and Edgard have a deep conversation in which he confides that he's going back to Brazil forever and if Trevor wants him, he'll have to come after him. But he hasn't TOLD Trevor this, of course. Who needs communication for a functional relationship? This is a romance novel! All communication is performed through sex!

Colby decides he's going to compete in the rodeo despite his horrible injuries. This is a BAD IDEA. But he does it anyway. And then his legs get crushed and he has to be rushed to the hospital. He survives, but he'll never rodeo again. Oh no! But no worries, now Channing will never have to worry about him getting injured doing dangerous things again! However, she does realize she can't be hanging around all the time waiting for Colby to recover, so while he's unconscious she tells him she loves him and leaves. How selfless of her!

Flash forward one week. Trevor is sad that Edgard left. He doesn't do anything about it. This plot point remains unresolved.

Flash forward 8 more weeks. Colby is on his front deck, mad that he can't move around or anything. And also, where did Channing go? She just up and disappeared! Suddenly, a phone call! It's Gemma, our friendly older cowgirl. Gemma says hi, and then in a fit of subtlety, has a side conversation with Channing, who's living on her ranch, learning to be a good farm girl so she can be an appropriate wife for Colby. Colby goes crazy, drives two hours away, and proposes to Channing. She says yes, of course! They've known each other for a whole 10 weeks, 9 of which were spent apart. This relationship is sure to work!

I had several problems with this novel. There were your typical everyone is chauvinist, all problems are solved with hot, hot sex, not every man in the world is absolutely gorgeous, antifeminist problems, but I also felt that certain areas could be improved rather simply. For example, I thought it would have been much more romantic if Channing had gone back to Boston and started her teaching job and Colby had to come after her. You know, see the guy putting some work into this relationship and possible changing a bit for his girlfriend. Like a real relationship. Instead, Channing simply has to adapt to Colby's lifestyle. Not cool, romance novel author. Not. Cool. Also, there was absolutely NO closure on the Trevor/Edgard storyline. It just kind of ended. I probably would have been okay with this if the 3-page previews in the back had given any indication that their story was expanded upon in a sequel, but no such luck. So Edgard waits endlessly in Brazil for Trevor, who isn't coming, and Trevor is forever alone (and forever pretending to be straight.). I was also a little irritated by the constant presence of Cash, the random Native American, who shows up EVERYWHERE and yet manages not to be an important character. If he wasn't the love interest in one of the sequels advertised at the end (between him and Gemma...sexy, hot, interracial, older couple love...OH YEAH), he wouldn't have been in this book at all. Which is probably why his character felt so pointless.

As with many romance novels I have read, this was a shoddy piece of work, relying mostly on the publicity of its genre (cowboy) and its kinkiness (threesomes, foursomes, gay sex) to sell. Its characters were unlikable, unrelatable, and all-around annoying (okay, by "characters" I mean "Channing"). The thing that frustrated me most, however, was that it could have been a halfway decent book if the author had made a few relatively minor changes. But that, dear friends, is where I sense I shall be often disappointed in days to come.